You Can't Like Me...

You ever had someone that youre feelin.. and for whatever reason, they not feeling the same.. so automatically you start to wonder.. damn WTF is wrong with me? Well i dont dwell too much on things like that.. i just sit back and see what type of dudes do they like.. usually when i sit back and pay attention i see exactly why they dont.. and then im cool..


SO if you like dudes who:
*are lightskin
*wear Girbauds
*participate in gangs
*are dopeboys
*had gold teeth
*has braids
*wears Reebox
*airbrushes his clothes
*are skinny
*talk a lot
*wears dickies outside of work
*wears/owns/likes/wants burgers
*votes for McCain
*wears tight clothes
*wears overly big clothes
*wears tall tees
*smokes weed
*throws up gang signs in pictures
*doesnt work
*is a rapper
*gets drunk or high daily or weekly


----THEN U CANT LIKE ME

::WINK::

Life Lessons

"If you won't, somebody will"

Lately, this is been resounding in my head during my daily treks through life. Rather it be when im at work, as the boss with my employees, or if it's dealing with these females. As a boss, I have to remind my workers that they arent the last people out here wanting a job. This is a recession, people need and want jobs, and esp these young, fashionable, shoe fiend teens. People come to me daily asking for my employees position at Deveroes. At the moment, all my positions are filled, I have all the role players that I have space for. My bench is full and my starting players are on the court tryna hustle and get it. Most of my workers are hand picked by me.. I notice people at all times.. I try to be a good judge of character and I am always trying to have the best people around me... So when I see someone that might make my team stronger rather it be due to their personality or even their looks, I try to get them down with us. I want to come into my store and see all the workers and know that all my people seem like they should work here.
When acquiring a new prospect, you go thru the interview process. You never are really meeting the real person during this process, you are meeting their "agent". This is there rep that they are playing, not the real person on the inside. They would never talk back, slack around, be late, call off, steal or use their phone while in an interview bc they know I or anyone else would hire them if any of this went on.
So when you think you have a good pick, they start to get comfortable. They slack, they are late all the time, they ask for more hours but wanna leave early when they are at work, its always something. What is a MANager to do? I keep interviewing at all times. I always try to keep someone on deck so they know that this job isn't a right, its a priveledge. There is no contract, we have a open door policy, you can leave whenever, and I can have you gone when I feel like you are no longer useful. So don't ever get too comfortable.
You can we the parallel of being a boss of store and being the boss of your own life. You don't want to do everything by yourself. You want to have good partnerships right? So the hiring process is like dating. Before I even think about dating someone, I've prolly watched how they have acted or just seen what they were about from a distance. I never just see someone and go in for the kill. May be weird or old fashion but that's just Darrell. So after checking out the prospect and doing a few background checks, if things seem right, I go forward. So during the dating process, you get to meet the person's agent. This is the person that you will later be on the phone yelling with, the one who after calling every night at the same time has failed to call this whole weekend, not the one who you thought was the shit. You never get you food how it looks on the box. Your food never looks how it does on the commericial. This also applies to relationship. They never are who they say they are. He will never be there every night like he said he would. He will leave you hanging some nights with the babay that looks just like him and that u gave his last name. She will try to holla at one of your bestfriend and will never tell you. She will get a little too drunk and have sex with someone you know. These are all things that you would never know while trying to acquire a new team mate.

I digressed a lil bit, but i said all of that to say this... when all of the things are said and done, you cant feel as if that person is your last choice. Shit, someone else will do anything that you want them to do, if you open up and allow them. Just because I blocked everyone out while talking to you, that dont mean that I cant get them back. Thats what we all need to learn and know, from both sides of the fence. You have to know within yourself what u want, and what you will take, and what things you can kinda do without. Like me, for example, if I were looking for a female, some things that I would want would be, at least 22, not too skinny, a non smoker,has a car, good hair, good sense of fashion and a nice butt. Those are my little things that I look for. Knowing that people are all different, I got to know which ones can I live without and which ones cant I compromise. Say that I have a chick, she has good hair, good fashion, has a car but is under 21, and lives at home. I have to think, do I feel too old to be meeting someones parents when I want to come over? What about when we might wanna go out, she cant go when I can go, and I dont wanna go where she can... What makes you stay? I would have to say, it would be how they treat you. Do they act like they wanna be down or are they just cool either way? That would be the decision maker for me. Im at the age where I dont feel like playing the guessing game. If you like me, act like it. You wanna kiss me, lick your lips and look at mine or something.. sheit, that what i do when im thinkin about it... Tell me that I mean something to you. Know that if youre not, 95% of the time, someone is. I have learned that my shyness and lack of communication has left me in the dark with a few people. I couldve been with a few people if I just opened my mouth. Just this year alone, I have gotten DUMMY close to at least 4 gurls who I have been to scared to let them know how I felt about them. Each one, ended up being bad timing tho, but each of them have expressed the same feelings that I did with them.
How does that make me feel? its like a double edged sword. One on hand Im like "YESSSSS, i finally got her", then on the other hand I'm like, "FUCCCKKK, I couldda been had her". With each situation, Ive learned not to put people on so high of a pedestal, niggas bleed just like me, none of these chicks were so much better than me. So why not take advantage of the present? If you aint telling me how fresh I am when u see me, or you not smiling when I want in the room, or you not making random eye contact when Im close, or your not telling me how good I smell after I hug you, please believe, someone else is/will. Own your emotions and let them out sometimes or youll miss out..

Im speaking on this to you and to myself. I've experienced this from both sides of the fence. Ive been the one who has gotten too comfortable and let someone slip in.. Ive been the one who slipped in while another nigga got too comfortable, and ive been the nigga that a chick got too comfortable with and let someone take her place. Im just saying that postions are always availible in my life... Ive NEVER called anyone WIFEY... thats a position yet to be filled, and dont think I aint looking for one either... Ima chillin ass nigga.. but I always have my eyes open.. Im watching everyone go thru their thing. I like to see how some gurls are cool with being single and they are making it with or without a man... and i see some gurls who cant stand to be single.. who always have a new name comin out they mouth.. always going thru the ups and downs bc the men they choose dont get to the know the real them bc THEY dont even know the real them. I feel as if I need some ME time to know what I like, and want before I can expect someone else to be able to fill in..

so what side of the fence are you on with the person that u like??
are you too comfortable? Dont think you are the only person that likes them. I tell gurls this all the time that, the same thing you see in me at least 5 others gurls see it too.. So why not show me that u want me more than they do?? What are you doing better than your competition?? You gotta believe that if i feel as if youre worth competing for that Ima beat my competition everytime. Thats how Im supposed to feel..

My Playlist... as of 10/09/08

Ive been asked countless times, "Whats your favorite song?"
Do u really expect me to answer that... with just one song?
Nigga please.
But for the curious, music lovers, who wondering what be in my head.. heres a lil insight..
I love reading peoples playlist..
It tells a lot about the person..
at least mine does...
Mostly all the songs i can relate to personal feelings i have, a person, a timeframe, or I just LOVEEE how it is put together...
but most songs (ESP rnb) are my feelings being expressed. I sing all these songs when Im by myself... and im prolly singing to someone when I sing it..
I love a song where I can see how a video would look.. or when I hear it, I directly connect it with sometime in my life.. or someone in my life, past or present...

so heres one of my playlist on my phn... its simply titled "RnB"
Ima need yall to comment on these too.. tell me which ones u feel.. which ones you downloaded after u read or whatever.. i need feedback.. either on the blog, thru txt message or in person..

Mario - Inside of You
Maxwell - Softly
Micheal Jackson - Liberian Girl
Angela Winbush - Imaginary Playmates
New Edition - Sorry, You're Not My Kind Of Girl
Tank - Personal Assistant
Tony Toni Tone - All I Ask Of You
Brandy - should I go
Brandy - Full Moon
Brandy ft TI - Where I Wanna Be
Brian McKnight - Is this The way Love Goes
Bobby V- Only Human
Bobby Brown - Girlfriend
Bobby Brown - Rock Witcha
Blackstreet - JOY
Donnel Jones - Special Girl
HotStylz ft T-Pain - Assume The Position
Ginuwine - None of Your Friends Business
Erykah Badu - Didnt Cha Know
Eric Benet - I wanna Be Love
Eric Benet - Feminity
Jazz (of Dru Hill) - Right Here With Me
Bobby V - My angel
Anita Baker - Sweet Love
Anita Baker - No One in The World
Anita Baker - Angel
Tyrese - Lately
Tyrese - One
Trey Songz - Last Time
Tevin Campbell - Always in My Heart
Tevin Campbell - Tell Me What You Want Me To Do
Chaka Khan - Angel
Immature - Constantly
Janet Jackson - Come Back To Me
Jodeci - Im Still Waiting
Bobby V - Cant Wait Til Later
Jodeci - U & I
TLC - Hands Up
Tony Toni Tone - Slow Wine
JS ft R Kelly - Love Angel
JS - Someone
JS - Slow Grind
JS - Stay Right Here
JS - Right Here With Me
JS - Stay
JS - Baby Come On
JS - Bye,Bye

My other playlist on my phone are...
BadBoy RnB
90s Songs
All Lloyd...

WHAT U THINK??

Keep It Movin...

Blogging really helps me speak, when I usually wouldnt.. I dont really talk much.. everyone knows that... the only time i really speak is at work... when I have the Deveroes uniform I have to speak, I have to be "on". Most of the time, my thoughts stay inside... so hopefully, blogging will be my outlet for you to get inside my head a lil bit..
For the few of you that actually follow my two blogs.. this blog is more personal.. more me.. even though its title "DJ DURL", its mostly Darrell talking.. This DJDURL person only comes out on cds and mixtapes.. theres no DJDURL persona.
So this is called "keep it movin" bc I've been notified by my employer, for the 2nd year in a row, that they want me to relocate to another city. This time its Indianapolis. Yeah, outside of Ohio... Brand new to me.. New land, new area code, new fashion, new sports teams, new capitol and new capital.. however way you wanna see it.
Personally, I don't want to do it. Nope, not at all.. I'm cool. I made it outta Dayton, which was my goal. I did that. My parents didnt even do that. I make more than my dad... thats not good.. but its the truth.. Im in control over a mutlimillion dollar store and Im running it like a pro in my rookie season.. I should be the Rookie Of the Year.. esp now that my nigga Aaron quit... cuz he def had that on lock.. but I feel like im the man now.. I feel as if Im the "go-to-guy", but some might think that Im the "Get-shitted-on-guy" bc Im the one they call on when stores arent doing too good.. Im the one who has to recover it.. Well, shit.. I gets it done though.
Deveroes up here was losing heavily when I got here.. I brought energy, youth, life and sense of humor to the store and the city. I brought shoe and clothing knowledge to my workers.. I brought a whole new vocab to the city.. niggas in Columbus know what BURGERs are b/c of me.. I did that.. I like this city.. I would LOVE this city if I loved the people.. I dont love them yet.. I love a few.. but collectively.. no.. The city is nice, its always moving.. and theres things to do and places to go.. something Im not used to from my city. I have made a few bonds and a few friends that Im going to miss up here.. ((Ima miss you Roniquia :(... )) but thinking forward in life.. I might need to make this move.

As a youngin.. I always wanted to get a job where I traveled.. welll.. here it is.. in a sense.. I always wanted to get outta Dayton... did that.. I got my music playin in 15 stores.. 5 cities and 3 states.. thats a lot.. but I could be doing more.. I could be touching more people.. i could be affecting more peoples lives.. I have tried to find reasons why im getting chose.. I think its because Im single and childless.. but I could reverse this and say that this could be the reason why God has kept me single and childless for so long.. So I can keep it moving with no strings attached.. not saying that I dont have any strings bc I do.. I love my bestfriends.. my God daughter.. my Deveroes people who I will be further from.. and just my piece of mind and havin stability...

Like I said before.. I dont talk much.. so youre saying that once again, I have to show a whole new city who I am, where I came from and what I stand for... so once again.. I got to make new friends.. and I promise it take you to be with someone for 4 whole seasons to see if they are really your friend.. you need to know how people act when the weather change.. so I gotta go another whole year without having any friends close to me... I dont trust people.. so Im dreading how my winter is going to be... I have made a few good connections here that I wanted to build on and see how things ended.. but also.. on the other hand.. Im still single.. I havent found no ones worth quitting my job over and signing a 2 yrs lease for or anything close to that... so why not?
truthfully.. Im scared.. Im nervous.. and i just want to know that everything will be alright..
Gods Got Me though..

My Rant on Females and Relationships..

People ask me... "why dont u have a girlfriend?", "how is it that your 26, with no kids?"
You would start to wonder, what's wrong with him? Is he crazy behind doors? Is he abusive, does he cheat? What the hell is the problem?

While watching "Tyra" ((No homo)) her subject is "What Men Really Want".. mind u, this is a female show... Men can only tell you how men feel. I hear on the show about how women get some pissed off at their men because they don't notice the simple things, or don't notice the details. Which I won't argue with. Example. Theres this chick that I used to be real cool with last year.. we used to work together.. but I moved.. and she lived with her babydaddy anyways.. but I always called her my babymomma.. Her gripe in her relationship was that he never paid as much attention to her as I did.. I would rub her belly when she was around me.. speak to her son thru the belly... I noticed her hair cut.. and the fact that she got it colored.. she said it had been like that for a week.. and her BD hasnt even noticed or said nothing about it... This struck me unusual. But a way that I kinda figured that out is when I'm at work, and we get visits from our bosses.. they notice the details of what is wrong in my store that I walk past everyday... im in this store everyday and I never noticed how many lights I have that arent working... What sense does that make? Not to many.. but it does make sense to me.
I hear about how women have the problem of when they talk on the phn with the one they like.. the conversation changes through out the months.. When speaking daily, how can u have sooo much to say everyday...
Here is my problem.. I dont talk that much.. I have communication problems.. I really dont want to talk all the time.. I would rather have face to face interaction than over the phone. I also need my time. I want to be able to miss someone.. its already hard for me to miss people.. but if you give me a chance to, then that will keep things going..
I know I have mostly female readers.. so I think that this will also help with insight in the mind of many males.. or even if one of my readers are trying to get closer to me.. this will also help ::wink::

My main answer for when someone ask me why dont I have a girlfriend is "All the gurls I know have a problem".
Let me be specific on some of my problems without being too specific. I wont say names.. but youll know if Im speaking on you..
-one gurl has too much going on outside of us that keeps her mind away from the focus of whats ahead.. too many things in the past blind her from seeing how the future could be, rather it be our past friendship, money issues, or whatever.. My heart is one that wants to help. I want to make an impact on everyones life that I love.. if i feel that I cant help, I feel like Im not good enough. Sometimes you gotta let people go through their "thing" to be able to see the light.. Should I wait? Why? I'm a good ass dude..

-one gurl is too young to me. I feel that for someone to relate to me, that have to have some type of experience to under stand me and my possible struggles.. I dont feel as if someone who still lives at home can fully understand me and why I work so hard to do what I gotta do.. Sounds wrong a lil bit.. but Im so far past meeting someones parents just to go to the movies with them... feel me? I know when I was younger... I had a few experiences I had to get under my belt.. before I even knew what "ready" looked like..

-one gurl is still stuck on the 1st babydaddy.. how can u allow yourself to move forward with someone new if their past is right with them in every conversation? I dont want to think about dude.. and I wish they wouldnt either.. feel me? that can drive someone away..

-Another one, I already messed with. I always felt like we were never done.. I also felt like I was misunderstood and I never feel like i have to explain myself but I know now that out of respect, you need to let the other person know your thoughts and motives.. let think know how u work on the inside.. i never allowed them to know that.. and with that happening.. they bounced.. and had another family.. like that ::snaps::
Now how can I go back with someone who had something with someone else that they couldda had with me if they were just a bit more patient? Just a question..

-And then like always.. the ones that I do be feeling, show no interest.. no feelings or nothing in that way.. people that I see go through bullshit situations with bullshit niggas.. and I sit back and be like "if u were with me.. you would go thru this...". But everyone go through this.. You feel as if you could just get close to that person.. that 1 person.. that everything will be right..

Please believe me.. that aint always true.. I've gotten close to a few of the ones that I used to watch from the sidelines.. and Ill be gotdammit if they aint nothing like I thought they would be... You see them in such this beautiful light.. and when you feel as if the planets just so happened to be in all the right spots.. and the sun shine on you at the right time..and they actually like you back.. you think that this bout to be it.. this might be the one.. WRONG.. well atleast for me..

Im starting to feel as if I'm too picky.. maybe Im too work minded.. maybe I focus on music too much.. maybe Im too stubborn.. Oh well.. ILL BE DAT

At this point in my blog.. I dont even think Im still on subject.. but oh well.. this is my shit anyways.. Im just speak on what I think..

This is how I picture a chick for me..
-Fashionable.. one that will make me be like.. "where u get that from and who u bout to go see in it?" one where I aint gotta worry about what she bout to wear when I pick her up for us to go somewhere.. One that gets me hip to the new shit.. one that knows what "I" look good in..

-Organized.. Im not so organized my damn self.. so I would want someone who is the "plus" where i am a "minus"... help me get to the point of where I need to be..

-Polished.. I need to know that when I aint around.. she will still be a good representative of me.. not too loud.. but not a push over.. one that aint gotta be at all the parties, drinkin all the goose, and showing all of her tittes and ass.. feel me?

-Musiclover.. For obvious reasons.. but you aint got to be in love with it, just enough that when I make a reference to someone in music, you wont be too lost.. someone who I can sing with when listening to old 90s music..

-Christian... of course.. need I say more about this? No..

-Confident.. I want you to know that if Im with you and for you.. you are the only one I see.. we all know there's a lot of chicks in my life.. but you can ask anyone who I dont talk to on that level that I keep it all plutonic.. if we aint talkin.. I aint talkin crazy to you.. thats just outta respect forreal.. I grew up around an older sister, my mom, my auties and my grandma.. so u know they taught me how to treat a woman.. esp one who deserves it.. Love yourself before you learn to love me.. and all the things you love about yourself, I will def love too..

Out of all these things, I might be able to excuse one thing off the list.. b/c I feel that I can work with that. BC i know I will never be everything on someones list.. and i would want someone to work with me.. shit.. i aint perfect.. I know Im stubborn, i got a belly, I snore, i forget things.. all type of bullshit.. but seeing through those things will lead you to a REAL man.. someone with goals and a future in mind. Someone who has made sure his whole life that he didnt take the path that all my friends did.. ive fell short a lot of times.. but ive succeeded a few times too.. I want someone to see my potential, to see OUR potential.. to see that I aint tryna be like no one you ever messed with.. as long as you treat me and yourself with respect.. we could be jumpin... you feel me?

My Trip To the Clinic...

First of all.. I encourage EVERYONE to get test a few times a year.. just to be safe and to take care fo yourself and others...

So I'm at the clinic getting tested as everyone should, and like always, I'm observing everything and watching everyone. When I first walk in, I see bowed heads, sad faces and weird looks. Sucks to be them. So I go fill out a few papers and then take my seat. Get my number called, answer a few questions and then go to the room. When I get to the room I remember how much I hate needles. DAMN So I see all the utensils and a niggas stomach starts to rumble. Maybe I shouldda ate before I came.

So Im sitting, reading all the paperwork on the walls and listening to doctors and nurses conversations outside in the hallway. I overhear a nurse telling a story of how they told a lady she wasnt pregnant when she actually was. Her excuse was that the pink lines on the test were too faint and made it inconclusive. Thats fucked up..

So Im chillin, makin sure I dont look all sad or nervous cuz niggas will think I got something off rip if I look sad and shit.. and im cool.. So Im thinking, I wonder what my doctor is gonna look like. Ima a lil shy around pretty strangers sometime, so Im hopin for a fat, white woman. My reason for that is if its a fat black woman, it might remind me of someone I went to church with or something and I aint tryna feel bad. That would be a lil embarrasing tellin a church lady about my sexual experiences.

So the door opens. A fat, german lady walks in. ::wipes forehead internally:: YES! Im cool. She ask me all the questions and I answer with no problem. Then she bring out the needles and the cups.. Nerves start instantly jumping. I pull my arm out, make a fist and she searches my arm for veins. Ima lil thick i guess so she couldnt find one. She said she was gonna go get someone who was good at finding veins.. I thanked her.

I rolled my sleeve down on my Blacc Label shirt and exhaled. Doc came back with a smile. Then followed her was an older black woman, she came in smiling too.. she looked at me, smiled. Looked at the german doc and smiled. Then they both looked at me and laughed and then these chicks HI-FIVED.. No BULLSHIT.. these two ladies just walked in the room im in and just Hi-Fived in front of me like they just won a championship game. They might as well chest bumped or something..
Im like, "The Fuck? whats the hi-fiving for?"... the new doc was like, " Ohh nothing, Im just glad I finally got some bait".

Huh? Bait you say? What do I look like? Put yourself in my shoes... how would you feel at this time? Would you be cool right now? You never see docs hi-fiving all in front of you.. Im trippin right now..

So I pull my sleeve up and turn my head.. she grabs my arm and says "mmm" like she just got a bowl of campbells soup or something, and then tells me I have good veins.. "Thanks??" I say

She finds a vein, pokes me.. and it was over with in no time.. painless forreal.. No problems.. So I finish with everything and then go sit back in the lobby. Same people from earlier are out there. Some dude that frequenly shops at Deveroes was in there, his people, couple white people and some arab looking lady. The Devies dude is one of them "I talk all day and loud as fuck" ass niggas. He was talkin all loud about if his nurse ever told him that he had AIDS he would punch her and then jump out the window.. niggas.. Btwn this and other ignorant comments, he would just blurt out how he had to go pick up his son and how they were taking too long. Then some girl walks out the door from the back and they all get silent. He stares at her up and down as she walks then she tell his dude, "go give her my number". WHATTTT?!?!

You dont holla at no one at a clinic.. not saying everyone at a clinic is infested.. please believe me.. im just sayint that there is a time and a better place to do that at...

Then after that.. he goes up to the arab lookin chick. She was cute.. but she also is in the clinic.. and when I came in, she was the one with her face in her hand.. not a good sign. He asked her does she have a myspace and could he be her new friend. This nigga is tryna spit his A1 game at this lady.. and im just sittin back.. shaking my head.. While he tryna spit at her.. his babymomma call.. he tell his boy to pick it up and tell her that he in the restroom at the the gas station.. as he proceed to keep holla'n at "the face in my hands, arab lookin" lady.

I couldnt make all of this up..

Does It Really Matter Now?

::Typin with a lil smirk::

So... the last post ruffled a lil feathers.. thats whats its posed to do. I always pray that God takes unneeded things out of my life. I pray that the people who aint gonna help me make it to the top, that God just take them out my life. I pray to God that if I'm wrong, put it in me to apologize, make me not make excuses for "being a bad friend" as she says.

Well I aint got it in me.

They used to be my niggas, they use to be my loves, I wouldda did ANYTHING for them. Why such the big change? I put the blame on me. I blame myself for wanting more for myself than what Dayton has to offer. I blame myself for not tryna just be cool with people just bc of what songs they might rap or whose team jersey they wearing. Im right on your front porch with this one.. But these are the reason I feel that I have nothing in common with a few Daytonians. Mind you, I love my city, Ima always have a 937 number.. but not a 937 mentality. Im so proud of my old friends for their accomplishments, but are they ever proud of my for mine?

I mean, I am a product of Dayton, I did go to Dayton Public Schools, but how am I really like you former classmates? Do I have ANY kids, any possible kids out there? Have I had a chick even have an abortion? Hows my record? Any drug or gun charges? Had to visit me in jail? Ever had to put FREE MY NIGGA DJ DURL on your facebook status? I mean, Im still alive.. you never had to put me on a RIP tee.. Am I askin you for money? Am I asking you to babysit my kids? Or am I bringing my kids with us, and are they spoiling our good time?Where my babymomma drama that all us NIGGAS have? Wheres my addictions? Addiction to sex, weed, alcohol, video games, stealing, or anythings else not positive?

Yall so worried about what I'm doin, what about what I'm not doing??

So since this past weekend, Ive gotten random niggas calling me, threatening me, talking shit to me, bc of some problem that a chick has with me... I've had THEE longest negative facebook messages on my wall, for the world to see.. Ive had girls calling my phn after midnight, on a work night, a night before me havin to work all day ((yes, i do have a job that requires clockin in and out)) and tellin me how much a friend that im NOT.

I shrugg my shoulders now.

I hate being like this, bc Ive loved and still in my heart i still do love 2 out of the 3 of these females, I just dont like them. I dont like what they have grown into. But who am I to express that?

So I have kept it in for the longest. I hate were at at this point, but I cant be apart of no more discussions about "DJ DURL" being so different, I want Darrell back, or you spend too much time with unimportant people.

Who the fuck is DJ DURL? and when do I become him? When do I have groupies around me? Last I checked, my bed be empty every night. What makes my current friends soooo lame? Because they werent in my life prior to 04? Who made that rule?

Let me ask you somethings that I dont really expect you answer... Why am I soo wrong for tryin to better myself and keep people around me who I feel is positive and make me smile? So am were you wrong when I didnt hear from you for over a year? Did you want to surround yourself around someone that you loved and someone that you thought was for you and made you better? Unexpectedly I was taking out of your life because of your desicion to better yourself... how selfish of me would it have been to team up wit some other people and try to bring you down from you self-improvement? But when things didnt work out.. I still didnt harbour my old feelings or hurt and betrayal that I did have to keep inside when you left. When I seen you again after the year.. I spoke, smiled and gave you a CD.. such the DJ. I allowed things to be rekindled even after my closer friends didnt want you to be back apart of my life.

Ok.. let me ask another question.. Wasnt I supposed to move with you a few years back? What happened? You got ghost? no words, no text, no calls, I was left hanging. Even when you came back, I just keep throwing it in your face?

I know Im wrong for my heartlessness. At this point we know Im not going to be 04, 06, or even summer of 07 Darrell. So why keep asking for him back? Why not try to understand the present Darrell and see why he isnt the same. Try to understand why we are as cool as before. Ask where am I goin? What are my goals, objectives?

My goal is to be a proud husband and father and to not be ashamed of any part of my like that could be recalled back to me. I dont want someone coming up to my kids and sayin anyhting negative. I dont want nothin comin back to my mother, I dont want nothing coming back to my father, nothin coming back to my sister, no one. Ima make everyone proud. I aint gonna let no one down in my life thats down for me. Anyone who genuinely cares about me and my properity will see that my eyes is on the prize. I swear all I need is more God in my life, I pray that the woman that he puts in my life will be God-fearing and God loving. Ive asked that the ones who arent to be replaced. Maybe God is working. Without the ones who dont have His love, maybe Ill see the ones who do.

Tell me thats wrong...

Things Change...

Question:
When growing up, what if u grow away from your friends? are you being fake? What if you see that you're not on the same paths, is it wrong to go on on your own way? How do you re-establish closeness? Can you still care about and love someone that you no longer talk to?

These are questions that I have in my head often. I have friendships that last through the test of time.. and I have some that have a good run, and then fade. Am I wrong for not staying the same person as I was in high school or in 04? I know back in high school, I was a really selfish person, I was a player of sorts, and I was never really focused. In 04, I was really work minded but also a club head.. I had perfect attendance at FUSION every saturday... Me and Danielle.. drink before we show up.. and dance all night.. that was my dog.. I met a lot of people from there then. But if you knew me then, im prolly not exactly the same.

Now in 08, I'm 26. Im a workaholic, an RnB head and I like to buy shoes and clothes a lot. Thats just me on the outside. But the inner Darrell is way deeper.. Its a lot of things I dont like, rather it be about people or life in general. Its a lot of things that I might've tolerated back in 04 that I wont today.

I hate HOT gurls.. point blank. If I feel that your actions put you in the category or being "hot", I cant really deal with it. I feel as if we prolly dont have much in common. The groupieness in gurls is so unattractive to me in 08. Gurls that wanna talk to, get to know, fuck, or get attention from niggas bc of their car, because they rap, or some other bullshit reason is a big turn off to me. Its hard to see my friends messing with people that they wouldnt normally mess with if these people werent "somebody" to them and the people around them. Its just so unattractive to me. Ive been told that I say my opinion too much or too harsh in the past, so I've learned to let my friends "do what they do" with out havent to hear me display my disgust. With that, I've separated myself from them without even paying attention. If I have nothin nice to say, Ive learned not to say nothin, unless you choose to ask. If you ask me, its my duty to let you know exactly how I feel about you 100%

I have friendship that I cherish, but the friends that I have them with, I really don't speak to them much. These people I still love, as I have before, but some of them I just don't have nothin to say to them. I know it sounds wrong, but if you know me, I dont have many words anyways.

Since I've left the city of Dayton, I've been on myself to not be the same man as when I left. I want to act and be more grown. experience life more, and only open up to a few key people, instead of tryna be EVERYONES friend all the time. When I first would visit dayton, I would have a long list of people to visit in a short time. This made conflict because when I would visit someone, I knew I had someone else on deck and it was cut out the quality of the time I was spending with each person. I was too busy textin the next person, seein where they were.. or I was textin the last person I was with, telling them how much fun I had with them or whatever, I was never spending enough time with each person. Later in the months, I would cut down my list to show less people more time. This would make the ones who didnt get to see me, mad. So I got to the point where I just didnt tell no one I was comin down. Dayton is too small for you to just try to slide in and slide out without being noticed.. so that brought conflict with people sayin "Oh, so you just gonna come to dayton without telling me" or "I gotta make an appointment just to see you". It wouldnt be that, I would just try to see my people without makin everyone mad. I love my people and I miss my people all the time, but how do you see 15 people in one day and spend quality time with them? When it get to that point, the people who dont get to see you as often or as long, they start to call you Hollywood, bc they see your facebook pix with other people. What am i to do?

I got to the point of only visiting people who calle dor texted regular or those who actually took the time to visit me in columbus.. which we kno is just a handful... and just comin up to the club doesnt really count to me. You wouldda did that if I didnt live here anyways. So this soon made a lot of people mad. I started to shrugg my shoulders to it. Which made me seem so nonchalant that I must not care anymore. Which was wrong, it was just nothin left that I could do. There are people that, beause of our history, prolly deserved more time then what I gave, but how was our time spent when I did see you? There was one time when I came and sit with someone special and when I sat with her.. all she did was look at herself in the mirror as we talked. I mean she wasnt directly in the mirror but she was in it the whole time, checkin her hair, eyebrows or whatever while we were speaking. That was annoying. This was a person who said I never spent enough quality time with them and the people who I was spendin time with werent around when she was. Well the people around now sit and eat with me, we might watch a movie together, they ask em to go to family fuctions with them, their kids might be attached to me, so I visit the kids too. There a lot of reasons to me that make one friends bond a lil stronger than the next. Its nothing too personal, its just more of a preference. I might prefer to sit and talk to someone who is cookin for me and jokin with me, then someone who wants me to go to the bar with them and their friends. Maybe I just wanna chill with you, not everyone thats with you.

Even with all of the closeness not as present as it used to be, I still care about these people as much as I did when I was in dayton. My one friend is still always in my thoughts, she was one of the many female bestfriends that I had, but we have both grown into two different people. Our likes and interest are totally different. When you have no common interest, what is there to talk about? I dont have time to spend my lil hour or two with you while Im in the city discussin how I spent time with someone that you dont like the last time I was down. The doesnt make since to me. While I was with that person, please believe they didnt think about you enough to bring you up, so when focus on them during our time?

At this point I dont know what to do. Im not goin to change back into the person they liked before. Im not gonna stop bein cool with other people they dont like. Im not gonna call all outta no where bc EVERYONE knows I dont call no one. I feel bad as hell for not tryin to make things work but I feel like if I try to make things better, than Im not goin to follow through as they would want me to. So that would lead to future dissappointment and arguements. So until I find a bette solution, I will keep it moving. I hate it though. It seems so harsh and uncaring bc I do love them, but I aint who they want me to be, and in the end, I gotta wake up to myself everyday and live with my choices, they dont. They chicks dont even like me like that, so why change or compromise myself just for a friendship? You do that for relationships and marriages. So until I find a better solution, Ima keep changin, for the better hopefully, and pray that you with still love me through my evolution.

Darrell

My Love Letter (P.D.A.)

Dear ______,

How u doin? I missed you today.. been missing you my whole life forreal.. Glad u finally got your mind right and recognized a real man.. yes MAN.. not dude, nigga, boy, young adult or anything less than a man.. God has blessed you and me with a bond that He has been strenghtening that he has had planned since before we made it on this Earth. So many times I've doubted God that you were here for me, but my faith in His word keep me goin and not worryin about all these other GURLS. I found me a real one, a treasure that is so priceless that I could never trade you in. I feel like God made you for me.. and me only.. I like that.
All the wrongs that we been through before made us right for each other. Think of all the bullshit relationships I been through... the arguments, heartache, all the attention they wanted from everyone but me, all the cheating, and wasted time. None of these things well ever describe our relationship. My love for you make these other gurls jealous.. but a real woman would respect my love, dedication and respect for you. Could it be jealousy? Prolly, cuz niggas dont give half a fuck about them as much as I do you. They know that when they ask me, "What you thinking about?" I always say you.. Its like I was meant to be with you.. I love that.. I feel as if my purpose in life is to show that TRUE LOVE does exist.. there are still good men out here.. yall just dont treat them right, yall dont pay no attention to them, yall just wanna be FRIENDS with them, you never take the chance to see how good he can be to you.. you are missing out on the realness of a good relationship chasing these niggas that you kno are on bullshit.. but thats fine.. I LOOOOOOVVEEE mine...
I've always felt as if cant no one make me better.. cant no one give me MY name.. i feel as if i determine all of this.. no one can make me better... until I met you.. you got my swag so hard.. you got me turning my face to all these weak groupies.. the ones who dont know my real name.. the ones who wanna know DJDURL.. not Darrell.. You know me. I thank you for being around when money was low.. when my car was down... when i felt like I was the only one in the world who had problems... when i felt there was no solution.. the days when i didnt wanna get outta bed.. you been my heart.. my joy.. my ALL
I know this isnt like me to show my feelings.. im MR I DONT GIVE A FUCK.. when have i showed my feelings to these other chicks.. I might have showed a lil bit.. but nothing as strong or deep as this... I cant help it.. I been chasing all these other chicks.. you know.. the good-haired light skinned ones.. or the thick brown skinned ones.. you know how much I love them.. but never have i been blinded so much by you..
Fuck all them other weak ass niggas you been with.. i prolly only respect a couple of them niggas.. but we both you know.. you been with some weak niggas... esp when you compare them to me.. excuse my arrogance or confidence... but I know me.. I know my love.. my devotion.. all that.. you were made for me.. and i was meant to fall for you..
I love you Hip Hop stay with me forever

-Darrell

Wont She Just SHUTT UPP?!?!

ABDC is one of my favorite shows now adays.. but dont you just hate it when u love something anfd and theres something that just spoils it..
Its like your favorite restaurant.. with your favorite food, your favorite way.. but the cashier that works theres get on your fuckin nerves... well.. Lil Mama is the cashier to me...
I mean.. who the fuck is she to be giving peoples her opinion about dancing.. bc of the "G-Slide"? hell nah.. i'd prolly rather hear Soulja Boy if that was all it takes... She makes me angry during my favorite show... I mean... i never seen her kill it on the floor like these groups do every week.. she got killed by Chris Brown in her own weak as verison of MJ and JJ's Scream video in "Shawty Get Loose".. I wish you could vote off judges...
What do she be talkin about? and what do she be wearing? them weak ass glittery ass hats.. they are a distraction...
ok.. im done.. sorry.