My Trip To the Clinic...

First of all.. I encourage EVERYONE to get test a few times a year.. just to be safe and to take care fo yourself and others...

So I'm at the clinic getting tested as everyone should, and like always, I'm observing everything and watching everyone. When I first walk in, I see bowed heads, sad faces and weird looks. Sucks to be them. So I go fill out a few papers and then take my seat. Get my number called, answer a few questions and then go to the room. When I get to the room I remember how much I hate needles. DAMN So I see all the utensils and a niggas stomach starts to rumble. Maybe I shouldda ate before I came.

So Im sitting, reading all the paperwork on the walls and listening to doctors and nurses conversations outside in the hallway. I overhear a nurse telling a story of how they told a lady she wasnt pregnant when she actually was. Her excuse was that the pink lines on the test were too faint and made it inconclusive. Thats fucked up..

So Im chillin, makin sure I dont look all sad or nervous cuz niggas will think I got something off rip if I look sad and shit.. and im cool.. So Im thinking, I wonder what my doctor is gonna look like. Ima a lil shy around pretty strangers sometime, so Im hopin for a fat, white woman. My reason for that is if its a fat black woman, it might remind me of someone I went to church with or something and I aint tryna feel bad. That would be a lil embarrasing tellin a church lady about my sexual experiences.

So the door opens. A fat, german lady walks in. ::wipes forehead internally:: YES! Im cool. She ask me all the questions and I answer with no problem. Then she bring out the needles and the cups.. Nerves start instantly jumping. I pull my arm out, make a fist and she searches my arm for veins. Ima lil thick i guess so she couldnt find one. She said she was gonna go get someone who was good at finding veins.. I thanked her.

I rolled my sleeve down on my Blacc Label shirt and exhaled. Doc came back with a smile. Then followed her was an older black woman, she came in smiling too.. she looked at me, smiled. Looked at the german doc and smiled. Then they both looked at me and laughed and then these chicks HI-FIVED.. No BULLSHIT.. these two ladies just walked in the room im in and just Hi-Fived in front of me like they just won a championship game. They might as well chest bumped or something..
Im like, "The Fuck? whats the hi-fiving for?"... the new doc was like, " Ohh nothing, Im just glad I finally got some bait".

Huh? Bait you say? What do I look like? Put yourself in my shoes... how would you feel at this time? Would you be cool right now? You never see docs hi-fiving all in front of you.. Im trippin right now..

So I pull my sleeve up and turn my head.. she grabs my arm and says "mmm" like she just got a bowl of campbells soup or something, and then tells me I have good veins.. "Thanks??" I say

She finds a vein, pokes me.. and it was over with in no time.. painless forreal.. No problems.. So I finish with everything and then go sit back in the lobby. Same people from earlier are out there. Some dude that frequenly shops at Deveroes was in there, his people, couple white people and some arab looking lady. The Devies dude is one of them "I talk all day and loud as fuck" ass niggas. He was talkin all loud about if his nurse ever told him that he had AIDS he would punch her and then jump out the window.. niggas.. Btwn this and other ignorant comments, he would just blurt out how he had to go pick up his son and how they were taking too long. Then some girl walks out the door from the back and they all get silent. He stares at her up and down as she walks then she tell his dude, "go give her my number". WHATTTT?!?!

You dont holla at no one at a clinic.. not saying everyone at a clinic is infested.. please believe me.. im just sayint that there is a time and a better place to do that at...

Then after that.. he goes up to the arab lookin chick. She was cute.. but she also is in the clinic.. and when I came in, she was the one with her face in her hand.. not a good sign. He asked her does she have a myspace and could he be her new friend. This nigga is tryna spit his A1 game at this lady.. and im just sittin back.. shaking my head.. While he tryna spit at her.. his babymomma call.. he tell his boy to pick it up and tell her that he in the restroom at the the gas station.. as he proceed to keep holla'n at "the face in my hands, arab lookin" lady.

I couldnt make all of this up..

Does It Really Matter Now?

::Typin with a lil smirk::

So... the last post ruffled a lil feathers.. thats whats its posed to do. I always pray that God takes unneeded things out of my life. I pray that the people who aint gonna help me make it to the top, that God just take them out my life. I pray to God that if I'm wrong, put it in me to apologize, make me not make excuses for "being a bad friend" as she says.

Well I aint got it in me.

They used to be my niggas, they use to be my loves, I wouldda did ANYTHING for them. Why such the big change? I put the blame on me. I blame myself for wanting more for myself than what Dayton has to offer. I blame myself for not tryna just be cool with people just bc of what songs they might rap or whose team jersey they wearing. Im right on your front porch with this one.. But these are the reason I feel that I have nothing in common with a few Daytonians. Mind you, I love my city, Ima always have a 937 number.. but not a 937 mentality. Im so proud of my old friends for their accomplishments, but are they ever proud of my for mine?

I mean, I am a product of Dayton, I did go to Dayton Public Schools, but how am I really like you former classmates? Do I have ANY kids, any possible kids out there? Have I had a chick even have an abortion? Hows my record? Any drug or gun charges? Had to visit me in jail? Ever had to put FREE MY NIGGA DJ DURL on your facebook status? I mean, Im still alive.. you never had to put me on a RIP tee.. Am I askin you for money? Am I asking you to babysit my kids? Or am I bringing my kids with us, and are they spoiling our good time?Where my babymomma drama that all us NIGGAS have? Wheres my addictions? Addiction to sex, weed, alcohol, video games, stealing, or anythings else not positive?

Yall so worried about what I'm doin, what about what I'm not doing??

So since this past weekend, Ive gotten random niggas calling me, threatening me, talking shit to me, bc of some problem that a chick has with me... I've had THEE longest negative facebook messages on my wall, for the world to see.. Ive had girls calling my phn after midnight, on a work night, a night before me havin to work all day ((yes, i do have a job that requires clockin in and out)) and tellin me how much a friend that im NOT.

I shrugg my shoulders now.

I hate being like this, bc Ive loved and still in my heart i still do love 2 out of the 3 of these females, I just dont like them. I dont like what they have grown into. But who am I to express that?

So I have kept it in for the longest. I hate were at at this point, but I cant be apart of no more discussions about "DJ DURL" being so different, I want Darrell back, or you spend too much time with unimportant people.

Who the fuck is DJ DURL? and when do I become him? When do I have groupies around me? Last I checked, my bed be empty every night. What makes my current friends soooo lame? Because they werent in my life prior to 04? Who made that rule?

Let me ask you somethings that I dont really expect you answer... Why am I soo wrong for tryin to better myself and keep people around me who I feel is positive and make me smile? So am were you wrong when I didnt hear from you for over a year? Did you want to surround yourself around someone that you loved and someone that you thought was for you and made you better? Unexpectedly I was taking out of your life because of your desicion to better yourself... how selfish of me would it have been to team up wit some other people and try to bring you down from you self-improvement? But when things didnt work out.. I still didnt harbour my old feelings or hurt and betrayal that I did have to keep inside when you left. When I seen you again after the year.. I spoke, smiled and gave you a CD.. such the DJ. I allowed things to be rekindled even after my closer friends didnt want you to be back apart of my life.

Ok.. let me ask another question.. Wasnt I supposed to move with you a few years back? What happened? You got ghost? no words, no text, no calls, I was left hanging. Even when you came back, I just keep throwing it in your face?

I know Im wrong for my heartlessness. At this point we know Im not going to be 04, 06, or even summer of 07 Darrell. So why keep asking for him back? Why not try to understand the present Darrell and see why he isnt the same. Try to understand why we are as cool as before. Ask where am I goin? What are my goals, objectives?

My goal is to be a proud husband and father and to not be ashamed of any part of my like that could be recalled back to me. I dont want someone coming up to my kids and sayin anyhting negative. I dont want nothin comin back to my mother, I dont want nothing coming back to my father, nothin coming back to my sister, no one. Ima make everyone proud. I aint gonna let no one down in my life thats down for me. Anyone who genuinely cares about me and my properity will see that my eyes is on the prize. I swear all I need is more God in my life, I pray that the woman that he puts in my life will be God-fearing and God loving. Ive asked that the ones who arent to be replaced. Maybe God is working. Without the ones who dont have His love, maybe Ill see the ones who do.

Tell me thats wrong...

Things Change...

Question:
When growing up, what if u grow away from your friends? are you being fake? What if you see that you're not on the same paths, is it wrong to go on on your own way? How do you re-establish closeness? Can you still care about and love someone that you no longer talk to?

These are questions that I have in my head often. I have friendships that last through the test of time.. and I have some that have a good run, and then fade. Am I wrong for not staying the same person as I was in high school or in 04? I know back in high school, I was a really selfish person, I was a player of sorts, and I was never really focused. In 04, I was really work minded but also a club head.. I had perfect attendance at FUSION every saturday... Me and Danielle.. drink before we show up.. and dance all night.. that was my dog.. I met a lot of people from there then. But if you knew me then, im prolly not exactly the same.

Now in 08, I'm 26. Im a workaholic, an RnB head and I like to buy shoes and clothes a lot. Thats just me on the outside. But the inner Darrell is way deeper.. Its a lot of things I dont like, rather it be about people or life in general. Its a lot of things that I might've tolerated back in 04 that I wont today.

I hate HOT gurls.. point blank. If I feel that your actions put you in the category or being "hot", I cant really deal with it. I feel as if we prolly dont have much in common. The groupieness in gurls is so unattractive to me in 08. Gurls that wanna talk to, get to know, fuck, or get attention from niggas bc of their car, because they rap, or some other bullshit reason is a big turn off to me. Its hard to see my friends messing with people that they wouldnt normally mess with if these people werent "somebody" to them and the people around them. Its just so unattractive to me. Ive been told that I say my opinion too much or too harsh in the past, so I've learned to let my friends "do what they do" with out havent to hear me display my disgust. With that, I've separated myself from them without even paying attention. If I have nothin nice to say, Ive learned not to say nothin, unless you choose to ask. If you ask me, its my duty to let you know exactly how I feel about you 100%

I have friendship that I cherish, but the friends that I have them with, I really don't speak to them much. These people I still love, as I have before, but some of them I just don't have nothin to say to them. I know it sounds wrong, but if you know me, I dont have many words anyways.

Since I've left the city of Dayton, I've been on myself to not be the same man as when I left. I want to act and be more grown. experience life more, and only open up to a few key people, instead of tryna be EVERYONES friend all the time. When I first would visit dayton, I would have a long list of people to visit in a short time. This made conflict because when I would visit someone, I knew I had someone else on deck and it was cut out the quality of the time I was spending with each person. I was too busy textin the next person, seein where they were.. or I was textin the last person I was with, telling them how much fun I had with them or whatever, I was never spending enough time with each person. Later in the months, I would cut down my list to show less people more time. This would make the ones who didnt get to see me, mad. So I got to the point where I just didnt tell no one I was comin down. Dayton is too small for you to just try to slide in and slide out without being noticed.. so that brought conflict with people sayin "Oh, so you just gonna come to dayton without telling me" or "I gotta make an appointment just to see you". It wouldnt be that, I would just try to see my people without makin everyone mad. I love my people and I miss my people all the time, but how do you see 15 people in one day and spend quality time with them? When it get to that point, the people who dont get to see you as often or as long, they start to call you Hollywood, bc they see your facebook pix with other people. What am i to do?

I got to the point of only visiting people who calle dor texted regular or those who actually took the time to visit me in columbus.. which we kno is just a handful... and just comin up to the club doesnt really count to me. You wouldda did that if I didnt live here anyways. So this soon made a lot of people mad. I started to shrugg my shoulders to it. Which made me seem so nonchalant that I must not care anymore. Which was wrong, it was just nothin left that I could do. There are people that, beause of our history, prolly deserved more time then what I gave, but how was our time spent when I did see you? There was one time when I came and sit with someone special and when I sat with her.. all she did was look at herself in the mirror as we talked. I mean she wasnt directly in the mirror but she was in it the whole time, checkin her hair, eyebrows or whatever while we were speaking. That was annoying. This was a person who said I never spent enough quality time with them and the people who I was spendin time with werent around when she was. Well the people around now sit and eat with me, we might watch a movie together, they ask em to go to family fuctions with them, their kids might be attached to me, so I visit the kids too. There a lot of reasons to me that make one friends bond a lil stronger than the next. Its nothing too personal, its just more of a preference. I might prefer to sit and talk to someone who is cookin for me and jokin with me, then someone who wants me to go to the bar with them and their friends. Maybe I just wanna chill with you, not everyone thats with you.

Even with all of the closeness not as present as it used to be, I still care about these people as much as I did when I was in dayton. My one friend is still always in my thoughts, she was one of the many female bestfriends that I had, but we have both grown into two different people. Our likes and interest are totally different. When you have no common interest, what is there to talk about? I dont have time to spend my lil hour or two with you while Im in the city discussin how I spent time with someone that you dont like the last time I was down. The doesnt make since to me. While I was with that person, please believe they didnt think about you enough to bring you up, so when focus on them during our time?

At this point I dont know what to do. Im not goin to change back into the person they liked before. Im not gonna stop bein cool with other people they dont like. Im not gonna call all outta no where bc EVERYONE knows I dont call no one. I feel bad as hell for not tryin to make things work but I feel like if I try to make things better, than Im not goin to follow through as they would want me to. So that would lead to future dissappointment and arguements. So until I find a bette solution, I will keep it moving. I hate it though. It seems so harsh and uncaring bc I do love them, but I aint who they want me to be, and in the end, I gotta wake up to myself everyday and live with my choices, they dont. They chicks dont even like me like that, so why change or compromise myself just for a friendship? You do that for relationships and marriages. So until I find a better solution, Ima keep changin, for the better hopefully, and pray that you with still love me through my evolution.

Darrell