My Thoughts and Memories..

Man..
I know yall aint really known me since childhood.. so yall dont know how much MJ was a part of me in my childhood... when I heard about he dyin.. it never hit me.. I been in denial since thursday.. I wish yall could see my old pictures of me in my t-shirt that says BEAT IT.. that I wanted to wear everyday as a child.. I wish yall could see my brown leather jacket that I always connected to MJ.. Moms never bout me a Beat It jacket.. so I used what I had.. whenever a MJ video was abou to come on.. I used to always run to my closet.. put on that jacket and my church shoes and slide all across my moms kitchen acting like Mike..

My dad got old vcr tapes of me as a child doing all my MJ impression with the dance moves and every adlib he had on each song.. I studied his music, his videos and all his performances.. That was my idol.. I wanted anything I could get with his face, voice or name on it.. Music has been my life since birth, and who else has influence music as much as him?? No One...

These days since his passing I having had a chance to realyl sit and reflect and mourn.. I know it might seem like a lil too much or whatever.. but Im really affected by this.. Even more than when BIGGIE died.. i mean that was my nigga.. but Biggie was only around for like 3 yrs.. not hardly enough time as MJ.. Mike has ALWAYS been here.. even in his absence from the mainstream or main stage, he has still been the holder of some of my fondest childhood memories and some of my favorite songs... "Lady In MY Life" has always been a song I wanted played at my wedding..

Im usually good at masking and ignoring my feeling and emotions but I feel like I need to let this out.. and i hope blogging will help me move on.. I dont really get to speak about it in depth to no one bc no one around me now has been around me long enough to know how deep this is to me.. or everyone is too young to appreciate him as much as me.. I mean I was born in 1982. This is the year that THRILLER came out.. I knew how to do the dance in full prolly by the time most of yall were born.. This was the music my parents used to play to get me to go to sleep, do my homework, clean the house or whatever.. It has been the soundtrack to my life.. So to know that there will be no more of these songs, no more reunion tours, no more special appearances, no more nothin LIVE, it HURTS... like it HURTS like i lost a family member.

I wish he could have seen all of this love that he is getting. I hate it that his like decade or so has been so filled with turmoil and hate. I hate it that my love for humanitarian lessened while he was around.. It sound crazy but I feel like I failed him.. He has did nothin but live his life for us. Since his childhood, he has lived to making EVERYONE smile.

Ima speak on the day that he died:
Thursday, June 25th 2009
Of course I had to work at deveroes.. I had to do a open to close bc it was my assistants off day. So I was prepared for a long day. The past week had been really trying, shit the whole month has.. I been to court 2 times this month and got a ticket last saturday, and lately all of this has been gettin to me. Thursday equals pay day, so that should make thing better right? No. I was kinda broke due to gas prices, and bill payments. So I just knew that none of this money was really mine. I woke up to a text from TMobile tellin me that my bill was due. This being a $300+ bill due to my minute usage the month before. STRESS. This is my rent check. so thats $400. Stress. So I got a ticket as I said, so when I got to work Thursday, I checked to see how much it was gonna be. I read up on it, and i found out that its $220. Due by the 30th. Stress. Then when I got pulled over, they told me that I had a possible warrant.
So I called on that, after being on hold for 35 mins, I found out that I do. STRESS. I never received my paperwork for my last court date. Since it had past, I was isssued a bench warrant. STRESS. Then, Im at work, and my cashier is a NO CALL NO SHOW. more stress.. its gettin to me.. I dont have no help forreal. I made things that way kinda too bc my parents always seemed to play me when I was young that I asked for too much or that I wanted too much or that I was too spoiled. Like they didnt make me like that. So when that bein thrown in my face enough, Ive learned not to ask no one for nothing. So I do it all myself...
So the days was goin by and I just kept saying.. "I dont need no more bad news". I even tweeted "Is it against the law to get good news?"... we shit, it sure seems like it. So Im just workin my day away.. still holdin my stress in and around 530, i start gettin tweets about MJ goin into cardiac arrest and in the hospital.. I was like Damn.. he prolly workin too hard.. he will be ok.. I continue workin.. and start gettin tweet saying he died.. Im like YEAH RIGHT.. they just talkin to fast.. MJ aint bout to die.. So I keep workin.. and then my whole page of updates is sayin that he died... this cant be true.. I actually had to sit down.. and wait for some more updates..
Update after update kept saying that he was dead.. then some where sayin that the info was false.. so i was holdin onto that.. Then someone came in the store and said Katie Couric said he was dead.. i instantly said "Fuck Katie".. thats how I felt.. sorry.. I just told everyone that I didnt need any more bad news.. NOW THIS? So im salty.. but still not believing nothing.. I got two workers with me that dont understand what Im goin thru bc they were both born in 91.. It starts raining.. That in my head was my confirmation that he died.. I dont know why, but that made me know that it was true.. Then my dad calls me. He called my cell, I didnt pick up. He called my store phone, bc he knows how important this is. He asked how was I doing. I said OK, it hasnt effected me yet. He said right when he heard the news, he had to call me bc he knows how much I love MJ. I get him off the phone quick bc I didnt really wanna talk about it. so when I got off, I went to Kroger bc I didnt wanna go home and watch tv and see all the coverage.. My nigga Derrick called me, and told me that I needed to do a tribute mix ASAP.. I know I did. I told him to record me some vocals so I can personalize it and make it current with the news. He did and i thank him for that.
I went home and turned on CNN and they were transpoting his body by helicopter.. I was salty.. they kept speakin of him in past tense.. I hated hearing that. The thing that hit me was when they showed the bag he was in.. andthey carried him from the the helicopter to the van.... OUCH!!! they hurt me. So I download all the songs I needed.. I didnt have enough space on my comp but this was more important than any GUCCI MANE song I had or whatever.. So I deleted and lot of BS (3 Gucci Mixtapes, Beyonces cd, Gorilla Zoe, Asher Roth, etc) that I either wont ever listen to, or could easily download if I needed it again. So I listened and let the music inspire me to do what I could to show my appreciation. That was my night..

All day the next day.. we played the music at work.. all day we heard memories of Micheal.

It really hit me tonight when I was watching the BET awards and they brought out Janet.. aww man.. that hurt to see her pain.. I thought of my sister instantly.. then they showed the picture of them two in the background.. man.. that hurt me.. i actually dropped a coupla of tears off that one..

I just had to get all of this out.. thanks for listening.. well reading...

I need me a good RIP MJ shirt.. ASAP... when u see one.. let me know..