Frustration

Ladies and Gentleman...
I do appreciate all of your feedback lately.. Quietly, I been going through it.. I hate to bore you with it.. but Im just goin to act as if this is my diary.. so you do have to read..

First i will define frustration to have all of this make sense...
a feeling of dissatisfaction, often accompanied by anxiety or depression, resulting from unfulfilled needs or unresolved problems.

I am frustrated.

I feel as if im in a mental boxing match.. Im taking this punches.. and im blockin but now im starting to feel them.. As much as I hate to speak on negativity.. esp in my life.. I will see if this will help any..
Ima young adult.. so image means a lot to us... I never want anyone to have a negative image about me.. honestly.. if you dont work with me, you dont really get to see me... I never really have much face to face time with you.. and all you have of me is our memories, my facebook status or pics and my blog entries.. we all know that people tend to remember the negative things more than the postive... so thats why I never try to leave you with a negative image..

Some things that are frustrating me are these things:

This money issue is getting to me.. I got money.. im just tired of the money Im getting.. Dont get me wrong.. I thank God for the salary I get.. it gets me thru and helps my shoe fetish, but damn... I need to find a new way.. I need to get more gwap.. who doesnt? This is minor tho.. im not trippin too much on this one.. im just bitching bc I paid my bills today..

Of course these females.. Ive spoke on how gurls take me the wrong way.. or some just dont get me... I know ima lil different, but im not that different.. I know I have a problem with expressing myself and im not really agressive at trying to get to know new people, so that could be part of my problem. I feel as if I am at the age to settle down, but that dont mean Ima settle for less. I want someone close to me, mentally and physically. I wanna have something to look forward to when I get off work... I want someone who will be my best friend. This is prolly why I like/love my bestfriends so much.. My two female best friends are how I would like my chick to be like.. Just real women. I love them for that. They both bring out different sides of me.. Tyra always makes me wanna be better.. she love me bc Im better than most of these niggas.. I come correct to people.. She gets it in with work, school and being a mom.. She has her own home and a nice car.. all by herself.. her ambition to grind til she gets it is what I love to see a gurl have.. and my other bestfriend, Ashley, is someone who is breaking through all of lifes struggles and making ways out of no ways.. using all resources to make sure her and my God daughter make it to the top.. and the most important thing about this women is that they are God-fearing Christians.. but both of these women are my friends.. just my friends.. I want someone close to me that will bring out different things in me.. I do have emotions.. who can bring them out? I care.. who can get me to show that?

Then the thing that gets me is when I start to wonder all of these things about women, another part of me says.. dont even worry about it, brah... yeah.. I call myself brah sometimes.. but anyways.. Theres no reason to go tryna to make a situation that God doesnt have in His plans.. I cant try to make a situation different than what it is.. I cant stress on finding the one God made for me.. God will have them find me.. I hope they shop at Deveroes or something bc thats the only place I see people.. I just get reminded at times how SINGLE I am.. I wanna buy nice things for someone special, or I wanna go some where.. I wanna see a movie.. these are all things that u need someone for.. but these things also take away from my money.. so I guess it aint always too bad...

My latest issue is with my family.. not a bad one as if they did something to me.. its just the things going on.. My grandpa is dying.. Born in 1926, my Grandpa has seen it all.. and Im glad he seen a black president.. but his time is almost up.. I feel as if I have to be the strong one.. My dad is gonna crack.. my sisters already calling me crying everyday.. his wife is gonna be done with.. and my Aunts gonna be hurt too.. So I feel as my 26 yr old self is gonna have to be the one that Grandpa is proud of for taking care of the family.. Its hard from up here tho.. But also, Im glad Im not around so I wont be so down.. I havent cried since my Grandma died in November of 06.. I cried a coupla times after over it when I was with Erin, but after the pain of losing my grandma and then being played by ol gurl.. my emotions have been bottled up... locked away.. never opened.. Im emotionally frustrated.. Im scared to cry.. I cried when she died and I couldnt stop.. I have strong feelings about things.. and I really get hurt when stuff like this happens.. I dont wanna cry in front of my friends.. but I also dont wanna cry alone? That make sense? I just hate knowing something not positive is bout to happen.. Im praying for my grandpa.. I just dont want him to suffer... and its hard when I have to work all day, away from my family, and my sister calls me crying in the middle of my day decribing how bad things are.. I cant do nothing.. i hate it that its like that.. but I cant.. i cant even show emotions bc if im sad, my sisters is going to be worse.. so I just tell her to pray, stop crying and not to let Grandpa see her like that... We know that Grandpa dont like seein us emotional like that.. I got my first hug from him this year bc he says "He dont hug"... i had to take me a hug from my grandpa..

And im not even gonna talk about sexual frustration...

but hopefully this has helped me a lil bit..