Does It Really Matter Now?

::Typin with a lil smirk::

So... the last post ruffled a lil feathers.. thats whats its posed to do. I always pray that God takes unneeded things out of my life. I pray that the people who aint gonna help me make it to the top, that God just take them out my life. I pray to God that if I'm wrong, put it in me to apologize, make me not make excuses for "being a bad friend" as she says.

Well I aint got it in me.

They used to be my niggas, they use to be my loves, I wouldda did ANYTHING for them. Why such the big change? I put the blame on me. I blame myself for wanting more for myself than what Dayton has to offer. I blame myself for not tryna just be cool with people just bc of what songs they might rap or whose team jersey they wearing. Im right on your front porch with this one.. But these are the reason I feel that I have nothing in common with a few Daytonians. Mind you, I love my city, Ima always have a 937 number.. but not a 937 mentality. Im so proud of my old friends for their accomplishments, but are they ever proud of my for mine?

I mean, I am a product of Dayton, I did go to Dayton Public Schools, but how am I really like you former classmates? Do I have ANY kids, any possible kids out there? Have I had a chick even have an abortion? Hows my record? Any drug or gun charges? Had to visit me in jail? Ever had to put FREE MY NIGGA DJ DURL on your facebook status? I mean, Im still alive.. you never had to put me on a RIP tee.. Am I askin you for money? Am I asking you to babysit my kids? Or am I bringing my kids with us, and are they spoiling our good time?Where my babymomma drama that all us NIGGAS have? Wheres my addictions? Addiction to sex, weed, alcohol, video games, stealing, or anythings else not positive?

Yall so worried about what I'm doin, what about what I'm not doing??

So since this past weekend, Ive gotten random niggas calling me, threatening me, talking shit to me, bc of some problem that a chick has with me... I've had THEE longest negative facebook messages on my wall, for the world to see.. Ive had girls calling my phn after midnight, on a work night, a night before me havin to work all day ((yes, i do have a job that requires clockin in and out)) and tellin me how much a friend that im NOT.

I shrugg my shoulders now.

I hate being like this, bc Ive loved and still in my heart i still do love 2 out of the 3 of these females, I just dont like them. I dont like what they have grown into. But who am I to express that?

So I have kept it in for the longest. I hate were at at this point, but I cant be apart of no more discussions about "DJ DURL" being so different, I want Darrell back, or you spend too much time with unimportant people.

Who the fuck is DJ DURL? and when do I become him? When do I have groupies around me? Last I checked, my bed be empty every night. What makes my current friends soooo lame? Because they werent in my life prior to 04? Who made that rule?

Let me ask you somethings that I dont really expect you answer... Why am I soo wrong for tryin to better myself and keep people around me who I feel is positive and make me smile? So am were you wrong when I didnt hear from you for over a year? Did you want to surround yourself around someone that you loved and someone that you thought was for you and made you better? Unexpectedly I was taking out of your life because of your desicion to better yourself... how selfish of me would it have been to team up wit some other people and try to bring you down from you self-improvement? But when things didnt work out.. I still didnt harbour my old feelings or hurt and betrayal that I did have to keep inside when you left. When I seen you again after the year.. I spoke, smiled and gave you a CD.. such the DJ. I allowed things to be rekindled even after my closer friends didnt want you to be back apart of my life.

Ok.. let me ask another question.. Wasnt I supposed to move with you a few years back? What happened? You got ghost? no words, no text, no calls, I was left hanging. Even when you came back, I just keep throwing it in your face?

I know Im wrong for my heartlessness. At this point we know Im not going to be 04, 06, or even summer of 07 Darrell. So why keep asking for him back? Why not try to understand the present Darrell and see why he isnt the same. Try to understand why we are as cool as before. Ask where am I goin? What are my goals, objectives?

My goal is to be a proud husband and father and to not be ashamed of any part of my like that could be recalled back to me. I dont want someone coming up to my kids and sayin anyhting negative. I dont want nothin comin back to my mother, I dont want nothing coming back to my father, nothin coming back to my sister, no one. Ima make everyone proud. I aint gonna let no one down in my life thats down for me. Anyone who genuinely cares about me and my properity will see that my eyes is on the prize. I swear all I need is more God in my life, I pray that the woman that he puts in my life will be God-fearing and God loving. Ive asked that the ones who arent to be replaced. Maybe God is working. Without the ones who dont have His love, maybe Ill see the ones who do.

Tell me thats wrong...