Feeling Some Type Of Way...

I gotta get some things out before I go to sleep.. is 3:08am.. and this is def a honesty hour for me..

Im no where near famous.. but i realize that I am a known nigga and i do put my self out there to be known for a few things.. its just me.. i dont need the attention, but its welcomed.. I like being the nigga to know.. Its funny but i speak about this to my columbus friends sometimes, but im more known than a lot of the people that I know that have been here their whole life.. I mean, I got more perks out on the town more than a lot of these domestics.. This isnt my town, but month by month its seems to be more and more..

With that being said.. I got people around me, and they are around most of the time when im out and about... and Ive had it brought ot my attention from people that are on the outside lookin in, and ive been told that some people are just my friend bc of "what" i am, not "who" i am.. Ive been told that some people hang on my coat tails just to rub elbows with people then been wanting to know.. like they groupie me, so they can groupie someone else.. So lately, Ive been evaluating friendships and associates.. and it does seem like that sometimes.. I hate to sound cocky or high on myself, but if u fuck with me, you can skip a few lines, get VIP access, get in free, see ur favorite artist, get a free shirt, .. just random shit that maybe an average dude cant do... what do i ask in return ever? nothing.. nothing at all. I cant remember the last time ive asked hardly anyone for anything.. All I really want is is time.. I would love to have some valueable time with some of my friends.. most of my friends i only see at the club.. there more to life than that.. When do I ever go to the mall or go to the movies or go out to eat or go to church or anything more personal with a lot of my friends?? When u see me in pix with my friends, you see us at the club or at the bar or at a show.. when do u see us at the crib chillin or play games or at gameworks or at skating, or taking a walk?? It dont happen.. It bothers me, but I never want to speak on it.. bc if i say something about it, then it starts happening, then it seems false, like ur doing it to pacify or appease me.. im cool.. i'd rather continue to do bad by myself.. when was the last time u came through and was like, "i wanna hear u mix" or.. "u want something to eat, I got u" or "that one movie comin out.. u wanna go?"...

I was in a room full of 1000 people tonight and felt LONELY as hell..

Why?

Because all of these experiences Im having, I dont have anyone close to share it with.. yeah my peoples was there.. but where is that "one" tho? Who am I gonna look back at this stuff with later on in life with? I mean, how many people u know got ot skip the line and get in free at a fuckin DRAKE concert?? ::points at self and Roniquia:: I mean.... like all of these things I always reserve it for someone else to come with me, but there not too many consistent people here for me.. Like, not knockin my present company for the Drake show, but why couldnt it have been a love interest that I had these priviledges for?? My close friends are gettin all the perks.. Since they are around I would say they deserve it.. no one has stepped up to me.. I feel as if I am overlooked and everyone is choosin these WEAK ass niggas over me.. If youre a female and ur reading this.. im talkin to you.. FLAT OUT.. any nigga u might be with might not be as good as me.. if u knew like I knew... u would understand.. Possibilities are damn near infinite when fuckin with me.. and if ur a ladie who has messed with me and u really aint see much from me.. look at urself... did u derserve better treatment?? did I feel as if u were down for me as much as I am for u?? No.. bc I still have never gotten the chance to do the things I would love to do in a relationship.. Is this my fault?? I will definitely say no..

As of Today.. I feel as if ONE person has stepped up to the plate.. She does show me how much she thinks about me, daily. She tells me how much or a great person I am. She loves me, she tells me. She puts in the effort to see me, and she likes me and is not ashamed to let a nigga know that all the time. She is my emotional outlet, she knows my potential and love Darrell. She dont care about me being known. She just cares that I care about her, and that I know that she loves me and is thinkin of me all the time. I mean, she says im the BEST and everythin I do is way better then she ever could have expected.

A man needs to know that he is important.. a man needs to feel like a man..

Just know that I will NEVER be okay with being second place on ANYTHING.. whether its my job or a relationship.. I am TOO GOOD of a man to allow myself to be second to anyone.. or to be someones "fallback".. I will not be that dude that u keep on deck while u do whatever.. im not him or will I ever allow myself to be him..

Know that...

Questions........

Im sayin.. like do u see how many periods i put behind that "s" tho????
man.. a nigga is mentally scratchin his brain.. and i gotta get a few questions out.. .a few rhetorical.. and some literal..

WHO:
Who decides whats wrong and whats right?
Who is to say that Im lying when I tell you what Im telling you?
Who has made u feel like this before?
Who ever meets the right person at the wrong time?
Who treated me like this before?
Who is sleepin on me while youre wide awake??
Who regrets what they didnt do with me?
Who will be next to regret?
Who will be next to be the lucky one?
Who is gonna show up a week too late?

What:
What brings change?
What if I ignored that text messages??
What if I said hello back then?
What if you didnt give me your number?
Whats next?
What if your dreams came true?
What if i was the faceless man of ur dreams?
What colors would the wedding be?
What will your friends think??
What will change when I get famous?
What do these haters think about what Im doing?
What are the people thinking when they see me out and about?
What is the big deal?

Where:
Where did all of this come from?
Where will all of this lead?
Where the hell can I get some Yeezy's from?
Where the hell did that question come from?
Where the hell is Anita Baker? I got big plans for her..
Where the fuck is Robin Leach when u need him?
Where is all the lights and cameras? We all know I need a show..
Where did u come from?
Where am I going?
Where are my True Friends? is ur hand raised?
Where are u when I feel alone?
Where have u been all these years?
Where do u find these people at??
Where do u get off asking me to marry you? gurl bye...

WHEN:
When will I not care/worry?
When will I let things go?
When will change come?
When will the obvious be noticed?
When will I not procastinate?
When will I believe in myself as much as u do?
When does the honeymoon end?
When is the next trip??
When will you get smarter?
When is enough, enough?
When will Deveroes be over for me?
When will I go back to school?
When will these gurls figure out that no real nigga wants a hot ass gurl?
When will they see that unflattering, drunk pix are usually remembered more than the regular ones??
When do I turn my swag off, so that I can hop out the bed and turn it on??
When will u ever not let me down?
When will I stop bullshittin?

WHY:
Why do I always fall for somebody elses gurl?
Why does somebodies gurlfriend always want me?
Why am I feeling this way?
Why is there no one around?
Why are all of these RnB songs connecting to me now?
Why are u reading?
Why have you stayed in touch for so long?
Why are we sooo cool?
Why does God continue to keep blessing me?
Why do I make some of the best kool aide in life??
Why did I see this nigga yesterday, he still owe me money like a mother F, and he wanna talk it out?
Why did she look so good on saturday tho??
Why have I never fallen in love?
Why do we love love when love seems to hate us?


How do u feel?

DURL SPEAKS..

I have a deep liking..

I almost labeled this as.. " I have a crush..." but that at me.. Im too old for that... but I have a DEEEPP LIKING for Jill Scott..


If this was my chick.. she would get some tired of me sayin.. "baby.. sing this for me..." I would be giving her random things to sing.. like a Donatos menu and be like.. "Baby... sing me the toppins they got on the mariachi beef pizza... and what drinks they got too.." Man I love her.. So I got a new love for Go-Go music now right? So i been on the hunt for the past week or so of all the go-go music i can find to engulf myself with it.. And i found a song that I already liked by her with Go-Go in it...



...so is she singing about me??

Missing...

Man.. just made this good ass mix (at least I think so.. http://urgurlsfavoritedj.podomatic.com/) with some good ass RnB.. some good ass songs that will get u in that good mood to call someone up for some conversation or some company..

Well, it kinda got me there too.. as much as I dont allow myself to get there.. it almost did.. I aint the type to lead people, so I aint bout to act like I like someone, or make myself like someone just bc no one is around me now..

No, im not LONELY, i would never say that.. even if i was lonely, I still wouldnt say it.. but im not tho... honestly but sometimes the emotions feel like they are missing some times..

Like today I was watching Keri Hilsons lil video for "Make Love" and I thought it was well shot.. the video shows emotions and anticipation. I remember the days where I would be at work, aticipating the hour for me to leave.. to go see who ever it was that was textin me all day and thinking about me when I aint around..

but nowadays, attachments are nonexistant.. I dont look forward to seein no one. I dont really look forward to hearin from no one.. theres no consistancy in that department.. Im not trippin tho..

Here's some things I miss tho:
- "I'll be there in a minute" (rather its me sayin that or them..)
- A kiss goodbye given on the forehead in the morning before I go to work
- this text "What u want me to cook for dinner?"
- Being at the club, and knowing I wont be standing by myself when the slow songs come on..
- Movie-night Sundays
- Eye contact from across ANY room..
- Inside jokes.
- Current slow songs having meaning
-"My mom invited you to have dinner with us tonight"
- "Can you come check my oil, I dont know what to look for" (sometime you wanna like a man)
- "I just came from the store and I got your favorite ________"

But with all of these things, there are so many things I DONT miss like:
-"Why are you always mixing?"
- Finding my phone in someone elses hand..
- "I know she like you, why else would she be smiling when she see you?" (people cant be nice?)
- "You got allll the bitches, you're the 'gurls favorite DJ' "
- "Where U At?", i hate it when that the first thing a gurl asks.. can I get a hello?
- Not being able to wind down by myself sometimes.. sometimes you just wanna be alone without being bothered..


The negatives outweigh the positives to me sometimes.. esp when my focus shouldnt be trying to take care of someone, it should be taking care of me.. It sounds selfish, but I still have never met a WOMAN try to help me get to the next level of whatever Im focused on if it aint her... Chavi has really been the only one who has helped... she just wasnt around long enough.. Other than her, no female has tried to get me to a better position in my job or wanted me to mix more so I could get more exposure or whatever with my music..

That being said, I gotta stay focused on me.. I didnt stay in school, so other than my job, I dont have nothing else to fall back on for support.. I gotta take care of me.. but sometimes it feels as if something is missing.. I fall into those thoughts, then I soon snap out of it... bc who is really out here on my side? No one but me..

Man, yall dont know what these blogs have done for me internally.. usually once I take the time to type all of these things out.. the emotions fade.. without blogging.. they stay bottled in.. i wish I could blog about everything like this so I could let everything out.. Im still salty that most of yall aint comment on my last blog tho.. I know I had yall puzzled and shit. Thats why I havent blogged too much lately.. cuz I wanted that last one to marinate on yall.. but yall just slept on it..

Well goodnight blog family.. leave me some comments sometimes.. let me know I aint just speakin to myself..

H.E.R.

When I see her.. I stare..
I get lost in the moment..
I forget im here.. I just know that she is there..
When she speaks to me.. I zone
I look for her in traffic
I wait for her to message me, or text my phone
She's the only one I see in a crowd
No sounds, no noise..
As quiet as its kept, my emotions scream loud..
A nigga too old for a crush...
Its more like an interest.. a liking
Why am I looking in the mirror? Wheres my brush?
Durl, You gotta shake this off..
She just a lady, so what if shes nice
My nigga, you starting to sound soft
She works, goes to school, and no BM
Shes the one to know
Brah, Dont lose your swag, U cant be OD'n
18nUp clubs, you will never find her.
She swagged on me when our path crossed
Its stuck in my head, I dont need a reminder
Exhale when Im near her, I smile when I see her
She makes these other gurls look like randoms
Trying hard to match, but they couldnt be her
Success to her, is more than wealth
She wont need you to hold her down,
You can tell by the way she carries herself

So let me explain:
When I see her, I stare, I get lost in moment is like.. when u see someone and you are just in stuck mode... you could be at work folding clothes, in the middle of a conversation and when u see that person.. its over for whatever u was doin til you get done zoning out..
When we do speak, i zone in..no one else matters during those moments.. and when she aint around, I look for her when Im driving, hoping Ill bump into her in traffic maybe, or at the mall or something..
Or sometimes I hope she might send me a message through myspace or facebook or even a message through someone.. u know like "So&so tols me to tell you that she said hi"... that would be the shit right?
Or maybe one day, Ima just get a random text from her, and she gonna be like, "What u doing this weekend?" and ima just play it cool :)
When she happens to be around, shes all I see or pay attention to
No sounds can be heard.. bc your mind and thoughts have taken over.. whatever that person in front of you is sayin, aint being heard or taken in.. u paying attention to "them".. that "one"
And Im not an emotionally expressive person, but you can see my happiness when she comes around..
Im too old for crushes.. I would just sayin that maybe I got my eye on someone, or someone has the qualities that I would look for in someone.. but why is that when I see her.. Im checkin myself, making sure everything right, my taper is together, my shoes is clean, stuff like that..
All this extra shit just aint me and I notice it, so I have my internal dialog and I tell myself to chill, shake it off, dont lose your cool.. she just a lady, like youre a man.. dont put her on no pedestal
She gets it in on a mature level, she takes classes, got her a job, and following her dreams and got plans to make it.. and she aint no ones Babymomma.. ::thumbs up::
She the type of chick that got good connect to whatever you might need, shes the one to know
With all of these qualities, I gotta see and remember that I obtain these too.. dont go in too deep or too hard.. dont OD ((Overdose... ie Go too hard))
You would never see her in these young clubs, being hot, or unladylike.. you gotta respect that..
And when I last seen her, her whole AURA just swagged on me.. to the point of remembering what she wore, and even when she just be on some regular, she still swaggin..
When I see her, I smile, its a natural reaction, and my bad days dont even matter when she comes around.. it allows me to exhale a lil bit.. You need someone who can have that affect you.. soft of like an umbrella on a rainy day..
Then when these chicks start seeing what Im seein, they try to imitate.. they might even act as they are cool, just to bite.. but REAL recognize real tho.. so imitations wont last..
Success for her would to be to reach a higher level or wherever she is.. whether its understanding, goals, or relationship with God.. how sexy is that tho?
She doesnt need a man to carry her, do for her, make her or break her.. she carries her ownself.. true meaning of independence..

So you like that way I flipped this right?? A nigga dont be getting all Poetic Justice like that on yall do I?? Well I had to do it.. I also want you to ponder on my subject too.. heres the questions that Ima leave you with:

Is this a real person??

Is this about a few females just balled into one??

Is this all made up??

Is this all one big metaphor about my love for music??

Is this my letter to someone that I secretly admire, and Ill just let them know in secret??

Is this really about me?? From a females point of view, but still in my own words????

What does H.E.R. stand for, if anything?

What U Think??

DJ DURL X The Dream X Podcast

http://urgurlsfavoritedj.podomatic.com/
Thats the link.. I dont know how to add the player just yet.. bare with me..
but go there and bookmark it.. so u can be up on things..


Man... You knew it had to be coming soon.. I had to do a DREAM mix.. thats my nigga.. I was just waitin for the 2nd cd to leak before i did it..

If youre a fan like me, you will def be feelin these songs.. I mixed up his songs that he made, was featured on or wrote.. So go ahead and listen..
Ill be makin Podcast Every week.. and they are availible for download..


...look what was made..

Real Recognize.....

Someone gave me a special spotlight.. so ima link you to it..
click here..

Aint I just so special??? haaaa.. i am aint i...

thanks Shay for the spotlight.. and for using my favorite color..
She is another blogger for u to follow..
beshaybe.com
she is a picture takin, sepia using, blog commenting, lip gloss carrying, neo soul loving, gameface wearin, poetry readin, poll making, "rockin that shit" ass female...

go see...

Short Answer...

Yup..
hhhmmmm...
ok...
busy..
ima hit you right back...
ok
ohhhh...

When it gets to this point.. Im just not feeling it..
if this is what u hear often..im prolly not feeling it right now..
My single life keep me observent... and im watching everyone most of the time..
i see cycles.. this is why i never talk to a person quickly..
this is why I usually know someone for a year before I get close to them..
I see these gurls, that have liked me.. try to talk to me.. but i move too slow for them...
everyone always has a second option.. i know this.. so I never feel as if im the only one..
So go ahead.. run fast into that relationship with dude sayin what u wanna hear..
Im never gonna be that guy.. sorry.. well im not sorry..
If im not gonna do it when...no no.. if we get together.. so why front early..
thats not me..
respect it.. or keep it movin...
Flat out..
So when I see these gurls.. go off with dudes that they dont know..
I smirk..
I keep lookin forward.. as always...
cuz i dont wait around..
u gonna have to catch up..
I see the early warning signs of the quick break up bout to come..
I feel that the text messages are bout to start comin back...
bc we both know that when they start "talking" to dude... the texts stop..
thats fine.
So when they try to come back.. they get the SHORT ANSWERs..
Its just s0 annoying..
not sayin just bc they wanna talk again, means that they want me again..
but can a nigga get some consistency...
or maybe they are being consistent... their actions are repeating..
so that is consistant.. but im cool on that...
I just think its silly.
I study people like books..
if theres something that u do that I dont like.. i make sure i never do it..
Thats why i dont just text people when Im bored..
I try to consistantly stay in touch with the few people that I want around..
It kinda sux when u get a text from someone, and u know its just bc they went through their phone list...
Spare me...
I'd rather u not...
::exhales::
its almost summer time.. so all these lonely ass chicks are coming out..
they are freshly single and tryna mingle..
bc please believe.. these niggas is breakin up with they chix left and right..
Petty arguments are necessities for this season..
So i gotta be the "fall boy"?
::shakes head::
Before I get any deeper, more upset or any more specific..
ima end this...


This was my face while typin this..
u cant tell??

The One That Got AWAY..

So my friend Erin.. I love her to death.. she tried to put me on blast on her facebook status and on her blog..
it was in a nice way tho.. but like I told her, no one I know knows her.. so shit.. why not put her on blast where she put me on blast...

This is her.. i would tell you our story.. but i think she could tell you better..
if youre interested.. follow this link.. and learn a little about my past..

Learn something??
Good..

Well here is another one.. partially about you..
i can only say so much about me.. people are usually defined but perception.. so this will show u a lil bit about how people feel or have felt about me..
so this is one from Chavi.. we have had our ups and downs.. and im glad our downs have came back up...


so she how she has felt.. click here

If anyone else blogged about me.. i wouldve put them on here too.. but i havent noticed any other one...

but these 2 ladies have their own blogs.. follow them..
you know if i follow them, they gotta be interesting...