7 Days Doesn't Make 1 Weak

A lil play on words on that one..

But in my quest for growth, I will be going through a few steps to find a better understanding of few things. In life, I've never wanted to seem to be addicted to anything that I couldn't put down. So rather it be drinking, clubbing, or whatever if I felt that it was controlling me more than I was controlling it, then I would make the decision to stop the action to show that I am (with God's help) stronger than any addiction.

So over these past months.. Ive had to drop my addictions to retail (clothes & shoes) and to the clubs. The first one I've actually had help with bc of the lack of money but I am still fighting it. The clubs are getting easier to stay out of now adays. I don't like being up all night, I don't like being drunk, or worrying about what I have to wear or who might see me. So those two have been kicked.

So now.. my next thing to drop is TWITTER (dun dun dunnnnn). Yeah, we all seemed to be addicted to this social network. Twitter has done a lot of good networking for me and has allowed me to keep in touch with my friends through out the days but it has also been a slight disstraction to a few things that should have priority over Twitter... So I have decided to take a week off and see how many more things I can get accomplished with all this extra time.

With this extra time, I plan to read my Bible more at work, read "Our Daily Bread", google other info that I might need to be productive to make more money, and to just get more things done around the house..

I think the biggest thing for me that Im going to miss about twitter is the instant information, but lately it aint be nothin be useless info and instant nonsense, so I will be ok without seeing everyone being #thirsty4 attention, people bragging on how my purp they smoke or whatever usless things I dont need to know.

SOoo.. in later weeks, I plan on fasting from a few other things that might have too much control over my life, I have to make sure the God doesnt feel as if I place anyone in front of him. When it gets to the point where I check Twitter before I thank God, then thats the issue.

I will be using my blog hopefully more this week so I can keep myself for using any of these social networks.. So we will see how this work..

Yoooo...!!!

Whats the word my peoples??
I apologize for the lack of posting.. and I will def spare you from the cliche line of "its been a long time, i shouldnt have left you.. without a dope post to read to" blazay... but if you know me and you follow me.. im sure you have really missed a beat... and key word of the last statement is "follow".. bc for me, TWITTER has killed the blogger...
I had planned to get on Twitter for it to be the place where I interject statements in between blogs, but info would come some quick on twitter that no news was new.. bc the same way I was recieving info, they were too.. The one thing I did slip on was my album reviews.. i did love making my albums reviews over there on Holiday Dreamin... I also slowed down on this blog bc I felt like I needed to cut my personal business out of being in the public.. you know they say that "too many chefs will spoil the soup"... so too many people were tryna help me with situations, and it wasnt exactly helping.. then, the more i would explain my feelings, the more some people would start catching feelings, thinking they KNEW me and they we getting to know me better... I dont mind u getting closer... but I dont want everyone to like me...
So I had to pump my brake on the issues I was releasing to yall... when I would vent.. someone would catch feelings.. if I stated my opinion.. someone would end up with their opinion on my opinion.. ITS MY OPINION!!!! (in my Lil wayne, "Its my cup" voice)

So I fell back on it... so that yall could fall back a lil.. i had to start speaking more general and less specific, bc people do have feelings involved, and as much as i try to ignore it, people do have their feelings wrapped in me. So I might began again.. but Im soooo private now adays.. that Ill just prolly continue with just general thoughts..

I love yall that read my thoughts tho and I do appreciate everyone who might take time outta their busy day to read my lil thought... I do love yalls opinions too.. It does help at times, but if u know me, ima remain me. AT ALL TIMES..

Well I really just did this bc my phone died while at work and I wasnt able to tweet, but my time at work should be winding down sooon so Im going wrap this up...

My Thoughts and Memories..

Man..
I know yall aint really known me since childhood.. so yall dont know how much MJ was a part of me in my childhood... when I heard about he dyin.. it never hit me.. I been in denial since thursday.. I wish yall could see my old pictures of me in my t-shirt that says BEAT IT.. that I wanted to wear everyday as a child.. I wish yall could see my brown leather jacket that I always connected to MJ.. Moms never bout me a Beat It jacket.. so I used what I had.. whenever a MJ video was abou to come on.. I used to always run to my closet.. put on that jacket and my church shoes and slide all across my moms kitchen acting like Mike..

My dad got old vcr tapes of me as a child doing all my MJ impression with the dance moves and every adlib he had on each song.. I studied his music, his videos and all his performances.. That was my idol.. I wanted anything I could get with his face, voice or name on it.. Music has been my life since birth, and who else has influence music as much as him?? No One...

These days since his passing I having had a chance to realyl sit and reflect and mourn.. I know it might seem like a lil too much or whatever.. but Im really affected by this.. Even more than when BIGGIE died.. i mean that was my nigga.. but Biggie was only around for like 3 yrs.. not hardly enough time as MJ.. Mike has ALWAYS been here.. even in his absence from the mainstream or main stage, he has still been the holder of some of my fondest childhood memories and some of my favorite songs... "Lady In MY Life" has always been a song I wanted played at my wedding..

Im usually good at masking and ignoring my feeling and emotions but I feel like I need to let this out.. and i hope blogging will help me move on.. I dont really get to speak about it in depth to no one bc no one around me now has been around me long enough to know how deep this is to me.. or everyone is too young to appreciate him as much as me.. I mean I was born in 1982. This is the year that THRILLER came out.. I knew how to do the dance in full prolly by the time most of yall were born.. This was the music my parents used to play to get me to go to sleep, do my homework, clean the house or whatever.. It has been the soundtrack to my life.. So to know that there will be no more of these songs, no more reunion tours, no more special appearances, no more nothin LIVE, it HURTS... like it HURTS like i lost a family member.

I wish he could have seen all of this love that he is getting. I hate it that his like decade or so has been so filled with turmoil and hate. I hate it that my love for humanitarian lessened while he was around.. It sound crazy but I feel like I failed him.. He has did nothin but live his life for us. Since his childhood, he has lived to making EVERYONE smile.

Ima speak on the day that he died:
Thursday, June 25th 2009
Of course I had to work at deveroes.. I had to do a open to close bc it was my assistants off day. So I was prepared for a long day. The past week had been really trying, shit the whole month has.. I been to court 2 times this month and got a ticket last saturday, and lately all of this has been gettin to me. Thursday equals pay day, so that should make thing better right? No. I was kinda broke due to gas prices, and bill payments. So I just knew that none of this money was really mine. I woke up to a text from TMobile tellin me that my bill was due. This being a $300+ bill due to my minute usage the month before. STRESS. This is my rent check. so thats $400. Stress. So I got a ticket as I said, so when I got to work Thursday, I checked to see how much it was gonna be. I read up on it, and i found out that its $220. Due by the 30th. Stress. Then when I got pulled over, they told me that I had a possible warrant.
So I called on that, after being on hold for 35 mins, I found out that I do. STRESS. I never received my paperwork for my last court date. Since it had past, I was isssued a bench warrant. STRESS. Then, Im at work, and my cashier is a NO CALL NO SHOW. more stress.. its gettin to me.. I dont have no help forreal. I made things that way kinda too bc my parents always seemed to play me when I was young that I asked for too much or that I wanted too much or that I was too spoiled. Like they didnt make me like that. So when that bein thrown in my face enough, Ive learned not to ask no one for nothing. So I do it all myself...
So the days was goin by and I just kept saying.. "I dont need no more bad news". I even tweeted "Is it against the law to get good news?"... we shit, it sure seems like it. So Im just workin my day away.. still holdin my stress in and around 530, i start gettin tweets about MJ goin into cardiac arrest and in the hospital.. I was like Damn.. he prolly workin too hard.. he will be ok.. I continue workin.. and start gettin tweet saying he died.. Im like YEAH RIGHT.. they just talkin to fast.. MJ aint bout to die.. So I keep workin.. and then my whole page of updates is sayin that he died... this cant be true.. I actually had to sit down.. and wait for some more updates..
Update after update kept saying that he was dead.. then some where sayin that the info was false.. so i was holdin onto that.. Then someone came in the store and said Katie Couric said he was dead.. i instantly said "Fuck Katie".. thats how I felt.. sorry.. I just told everyone that I didnt need any more bad news.. NOW THIS? So im salty.. but still not believing nothing.. I got two workers with me that dont understand what Im goin thru bc they were both born in 91.. It starts raining.. That in my head was my confirmation that he died.. I dont know why, but that made me know that it was true.. Then my dad calls me. He called my cell, I didnt pick up. He called my store phone, bc he knows how important this is. He asked how was I doing. I said OK, it hasnt effected me yet. He said right when he heard the news, he had to call me bc he knows how much I love MJ. I get him off the phone quick bc I didnt really wanna talk about it. so when I got off, I went to Kroger bc I didnt wanna go home and watch tv and see all the coverage.. My nigga Derrick called me, and told me that I needed to do a tribute mix ASAP.. I know I did. I told him to record me some vocals so I can personalize it and make it current with the news. He did and i thank him for that.
I went home and turned on CNN and they were transpoting his body by helicopter.. I was salty.. they kept speakin of him in past tense.. I hated hearing that. The thing that hit me was when they showed the bag he was in.. andthey carried him from the the helicopter to the van.... OUCH!!! they hurt me. So I download all the songs I needed.. I didnt have enough space on my comp but this was more important than any GUCCI MANE song I had or whatever.. So I deleted and lot of BS (3 Gucci Mixtapes, Beyonces cd, Gorilla Zoe, Asher Roth, etc) that I either wont ever listen to, or could easily download if I needed it again. So I listened and let the music inspire me to do what I could to show my appreciation. That was my night..

All day the next day.. we played the music at work.. all day we heard memories of Micheal.

It really hit me tonight when I was watching the BET awards and they brought out Janet.. aww man.. that hurt to see her pain.. I thought of my sister instantly.. then they showed the picture of them two in the background.. man.. that hurt me.. i actually dropped a coupla of tears off that one..

I just had to get all of this out.. thanks for listening.. well reading...

I need me a good RIP MJ shirt.. ASAP... when u see one.. let me know..

Can I speak about Her real quick?

So ive said my lil subliminals about how special this person is to me.. and how we have gotten closer and she has been my rock and positive light.. she has been my sunshine and she has made me laugh everyday we speak.. Its weird to find someone that I have connected with on many levels... We just be laughin our asses off tho... I hope yall find yall someone like I have.. Our friendship has grown so deep.. we be having too much fun... we see the same things and laugh.. we be at the clubs laughin at people.. we just have good times together.. the best of times.. we miss each other all the time bc we in different cities.. Dayton holds my heart... we have made the craziest connections... im just happy to be happy.. and she has really helped me get there and to stay there.. I pray that yall find someone HALF as down for yall as she is for me.. ok ok ok.. I aint gonna say much more.. I just wanted to show my appreciation... i mean damn, everyone else has just about had shout out on my blog.. she was bound to get hers soon...

My Enemy...

SO theres not too many things that seem to be against me right??

If u know me, you know that I dont really have any haters, and I dont have beef with no one except for my old room mates.. So who could be my enemy?

Darrell is..

So lets open up shall we??

Im sittin home, on a wednesday, while all of my columbus friends are gettin ready to go out to Whaddup Wednesday... which is what we do.. so why am I not going??

Well.. my minds has been going crazy lately.. and its bothering me.. Since my last blog, I havent really gotten over things in my head.. From the outside lookin in, Im very nonchanlant and carefree.. but in my head.. i OVER analyze things.. more about myself then others.. and thats really deep if u know how much I analyze others.. So since my weak ass debut kinda messed me up in the head.. im been wondering.. "Is this the life I wanna live?".. I love music.. I would love to get paid for it, but I really am not lookin for the fame forreal.. I would like to be known a lil more.. but I dont want my life to change.. and even moreso, I dont want the people around me to change.. THATS the BIG thing..

As much as people would think that they will be the same.. i know they wont if i hit a certain level of popularity. People expect more.. and sometimes too much.. For example.. say that I get more famous and get to DJ a concert.. do I really want my phone blown up all day and night about free tickets, VIPs, and Skip-the-lines? HEll NAH.. but thats what people do... I dont want any false friendships due to where someone might think they could go off knowing me.. I see the groupies from afar.. i just wanna keep them bitches away.. sorry for the B-word..

The other big thing that I always hate to admit or recognize that holds me back is FEAR.. my fear of failing, wasting money or just not being as good as i expect is what holds me back.. I really let thatpump the brakes on my progress and I cant let that happen no more... I need to do this.. I cant let this shit hold me back.. Im in competition.. I compete with a lot of people that dont even know me.. shit.. i gotta compete with the gurl I like bc I aint even her favorite DJ.. so I got some moving to do... typin all of this has helped me mentally.. i just gotta get that money right... I be worried about having a late start bc of my age and me not really havin the money for everything like all the other DJ's around me do.. but I gotta get to getting it forreal.. I need to make myself proud and to make u all proud..


I was bout to talk more about this shit.. but fuck it.. I aint bout to give my fear anymore energy to live in me and in my heart.. im praying that I get passed all of this.. pray with me....

MY Day... Blah...

Well right now its 3:05 am on May 30th.. but ima talk about my whole day of May 29th.. ughh..


First of all.. im sorry to my 8 followers on here that I havent been blogging.. see heres the reason.. I started this blog bc I didnt have no one to talk to about none of my problems, thoughts or issues.. well lately.. someone has actually been there for me to talk to.. so I usually get my venting out with her.. or she usually takes my mind off things... but since she is dead sleep.. I gotta vent on here..

So this morning.. I had to wake up early for traffic court.. I had to be there at 9.. got there about 9:15 bc I can never find a parking spot.. but i got there and it was like 75 people in one court room... so it was at capacity.. im like "Damn... i bet the cops made their quota".. so i sign in and sit outside bc the court is first come, first serve.. and apparently i had a got 70 people ahead of me.. So i knew i was in there for a minute.. SALTY.. im tired than a bitch.. and i got sit down here by myself with all these weirdos and burger wearers... So to waste time, im goin thru me and Britt old text bc that always makes me smile.. I love readin old text messages from people.. its like my journals.. weird? so what?


So i see a few people leavin so I find me a seat.. my name was called quicker than I thougth.. SO I spoke to the prosecutor.. told him that I had a valid license and my insurance was up to date.. blah blah blah.. I told him a few lies (which I hate that I did bc I NEVERRRRR lie), but I had to.. i needed my L's back.. so he told me that he would drop my charges if I paid courts cost.. COOL.. i agreed.. I waited a few momnets.. got my sheet and paid.. then I banged out..

I texted Roni to see how she was doin... she invited me to lunch.. I wanted to go.. but I was already late for work and I KNEW I was gonna get lost.. but she later told me that she would come see me at work so we could talk about later on..

SO Im walkin to the parking lot... and...... I cant find my truck.. I knew I parked on the 3rd level.. but the 3rd level wasnt lookin familiar.. so Im up and down, looking down the rows.. and NOTHING.. 15 mins later I found out that I was on the wrong side of the 3 level.. SALTYYYY..

So I leave.. get to talk to Britt.. she brighten up my morning.. made me forget about the earlier bullshit.. then I make it to work...

So at work on a friday.. u would expect the store to be jumpin.. NOT AT ALL today.. I hate workin when its slow bc Im used to bein in the face pace stores... and I will get bored REAL easily...So all day.. a nigga dumb bored.. until my District manager came in.. its allllways some pressure on me when he come it.. it aint like I got much help in my store.. my assistant acts JUST like IT.. dumb as hell.. It was a pretty quick visit.. so when he left.. I banged out to get a haircut from O Sharp.. I got there speak to my homey.. he told me about a gig later that night he wanted me to help with.. so i was on that... things goin cool so far..

I get to work.. still nothin jumpin.. dumb boring.. I got to see Roni for a hot second.. and that was about it..

So my schedule for today was to go to court.. work for a coulpa hours, then DJ at the block party down on 18th.. and then head to the manhattan..

SO the info on the block party was that they didnt have no DJ equiptment.. so im all day tryna find someone to bring all their equipment on DUMB short notice.. I found someone but they came dummmbbb late..

I left work a little before 8 to go change and get my mind and music together... I shoot down to the block party and its a nice crowd... all different types of people... My people from the city were there, GTC.. its was good seein Mike and Germoane up here tryna grind it out.. (no homo on the grind tho)

We are waitin and waitin and waitin for the DJ.. Im gettimg more and more frustrated..So after a hour of just standin around..it was time for me to go pick up O Sharp for the later gig... so that was a BIGGGG waste of time.. so i bang out.. mad frustrated at the lack of action goin on...

SO I meet with O.. help him get all his stuff together for the show and we bang out.. The manhattan and far.. too far to be goin and drinkin.. that a looooong drive home to be tipsy... So we get there and set up.. PROBLEM.. the mixer they had was compatible to his equipment... like i told u earler.. its dumb far from the east side.. So i had to go back on my own and go get the mixer.. SALLLTYYY SO I text Roni and jesse and see where they at so i can just follow them up there.. but they opt to just go.. so i said fuck it.. i should be cool..(a foreshadow statement..)

So i get it, then go to the gas station to get something to drink.. a nigga was thirsty... so i drive off.. hit the highway..and everything looks familiar.. until i get to 71N... SO im driving.. and i pass Polaris... FUCKKKK!!.. I forgot that once u pass Polaris there is NOOOO exits for miles... so im ridin this highway for 25 miles outside of columbus.. im in DELWARE, OH (google it) MAD TO FUCKKK

SO about 35 mins later I made my way to the party.. 1st gurl I see if Jackie.. then when i walked in.. i saw the pretty plaid ladies.. (Jazmene, Jesse and Roni) they came to support a nigga.. even tho I finally got there at 12.. I was pissed tho.. I was gettin text messages the whole time while being lost from DJ GIOVANNY (the person who was bring the equipment for the block party) talking bout he cant find the people over the block party and how he felt like he was gettin played.. and some other bullshit.. I was already mad about bein lost.. then I had to be lost with this extra shit comin thru... SALTY...

So when I got in, I really didnt give the ladies the proper attention they shouldda got for their supoort.. I just dont like people seein me mad forreal. and i was mad forreal.. but i did appreciate them a lot..

So we get everything hooked up and ready.. and O plays a few songs... then looks at me and gives me the headphones for me to get on... Let me tell u all the wrong things about that..

1. I have never thrown a party using vinyl
2. I have never use Serato ( the laptop program that allows u to mix )
3. I havent did a party in like 2 years.
4. I didnt know what songs he had or how to find them
5. Ive never used a Mac...

Aww man, it was the worse.. i felt so lost and outta touch.. when the songs were playin.. i couldnt really hear what songs to mix in my head bc of bein so mad and nervous at the same time.. I couldnt find NO new stuff that the crowd was requesting.. and thats what sucked the most to me was that I had to play stuff from last year or stuff that i would never play for a crowd my age... my hands felt all heavy.. the mixing just wasnt how I wanted.. and the crowd was so hard to please.. I was hatin it.. It sucked to come out the gate like that... it was kinda hurtin my feeling that all these people that down know me had to hear me not at my best... I know next time i need more newer music and PRACTICE..

If u fail to plan.. then u plan to fail.. that was def the phrase of the day....

and i hope u all dont think Im making excuses bc im not...I hate excuses almost as much as i hate lies.. I just listed these as reasons why i didnt succeed this time.. but its all a process.. and ima be rockin this shit is no time.. just stick with me..

Hopefully tomorrow will be better...




ps.. excuse any grammatical mistakes... its now 4:10... and i was def dosing off while gettin all of this off my chest..

Feeling Some Type Of Way...

I gotta get some things out before I go to sleep.. is 3:08am.. and this is def a honesty hour for me..

Im no where near famous.. but i realize that I am a known nigga and i do put my self out there to be known for a few things.. its just me.. i dont need the attention, but its welcomed.. I like being the nigga to know.. Its funny but i speak about this to my columbus friends sometimes, but im more known than a lot of the people that I know that have been here their whole life.. I mean, I got more perks out on the town more than a lot of these domestics.. This isnt my town, but month by month its seems to be more and more..

With that being said.. I got people around me, and they are around most of the time when im out and about... and Ive had it brought ot my attention from people that are on the outside lookin in, and ive been told that some people are just my friend bc of "what" i am, not "who" i am.. Ive been told that some people hang on my coat tails just to rub elbows with people then been wanting to know.. like they groupie me, so they can groupie someone else.. So lately, Ive been evaluating friendships and associates.. and it does seem like that sometimes.. I hate to sound cocky or high on myself, but if u fuck with me, you can skip a few lines, get VIP access, get in free, see ur favorite artist, get a free shirt, .. just random shit that maybe an average dude cant do... what do i ask in return ever? nothing.. nothing at all. I cant remember the last time ive asked hardly anyone for anything.. All I really want is is time.. I would love to have some valueable time with some of my friends.. most of my friends i only see at the club.. there more to life than that.. When do I ever go to the mall or go to the movies or go out to eat or go to church or anything more personal with a lot of my friends?? When u see me in pix with my friends, you see us at the club or at the bar or at a show.. when do u see us at the crib chillin or play games or at gameworks or at skating, or taking a walk?? It dont happen.. It bothers me, but I never want to speak on it.. bc if i say something about it, then it starts happening, then it seems false, like ur doing it to pacify or appease me.. im cool.. i'd rather continue to do bad by myself.. when was the last time u came through and was like, "i wanna hear u mix" or.. "u want something to eat, I got u" or "that one movie comin out.. u wanna go?"...

I was in a room full of 1000 people tonight and felt LONELY as hell..

Why?

Because all of these experiences Im having, I dont have anyone close to share it with.. yeah my peoples was there.. but where is that "one" tho? Who am I gonna look back at this stuff with later on in life with? I mean, how many people u know got ot skip the line and get in free at a fuckin DRAKE concert?? ::points at self and Roniquia:: I mean.... like all of these things I always reserve it for someone else to come with me, but there not too many consistent people here for me.. Like, not knockin my present company for the Drake show, but why couldnt it have been a love interest that I had these priviledges for?? My close friends are gettin all the perks.. Since they are around I would say they deserve it.. no one has stepped up to me.. I feel as if I am overlooked and everyone is choosin these WEAK ass niggas over me.. If youre a female and ur reading this.. im talkin to you.. FLAT OUT.. any nigga u might be with might not be as good as me.. if u knew like I knew... u would understand.. Possibilities are damn near infinite when fuckin with me.. and if ur a ladie who has messed with me and u really aint see much from me.. look at urself... did u derserve better treatment?? did I feel as if u were down for me as much as I am for u?? No.. bc I still have never gotten the chance to do the things I would love to do in a relationship.. Is this my fault?? I will definitely say no..

As of Today.. I feel as if ONE person has stepped up to the plate.. She does show me how much she thinks about me, daily. She tells me how much or a great person I am. She loves me, she tells me. She puts in the effort to see me, and she likes me and is not ashamed to let a nigga know that all the time. She is my emotional outlet, she knows my potential and love Darrell. She dont care about me being known. She just cares that I care about her, and that I know that she loves me and is thinkin of me all the time. I mean, she says im the BEST and everythin I do is way better then she ever could have expected.

A man needs to know that he is important.. a man needs to feel like a man..

Just know that I will NEVER be okay with being second place on ANYTHING.. whether its my job or a relationship.. I am TOO GOOD of a man to allow myself to be second to anyone.. or to be someones "fallback".. I will not be that dude that u keep on deck while u do whatever.. im not him or will I ever allow myself to be him..

Know that...

Questions........

Im sayin.. like do u see how many periods i put behind that "s" tho????
man.. a nigga is mentally scratchin his brain.. and i gotta get a few questions out.. .a few rhetorical.. and some literal..

WHO:
Who decides whats wrong and whats right?
Who is to say that Im lying when I tell you what Im telling you?
Who has made u feel like this before?
Who ever meets the right person at the wrong time?
Who treated me like this before?
Who is sleepin on me while youre wide awake??
Who regrets what they didnt do with me?
Who will be next to regret?
Who will be next to be the lucky one?
Who is gonna show up a week too late?

What:
What brings change?
What if I ignored that text messages??
What if I said hello back then?
What if you didnt give me your number?
Whats next?
What if your dreams came true?
What if i was the faceless man of ur dreams?
What colors would the wedding be?
What will your friends think??
What will change when I get famous?
What do these haters think about what Im doing?
What are the people thinking when they see me out and about?
What is the big deal?

Where:
Where did all of this come from?
Where will all of this lead?
Where the hell can I get some Yeezy's from?
Where the hell did that question come from?
Where the hell is Anita Baker? I got big plans for her..
Where the fuck is Robin Leach when u need him?
Where is all the lights and cameras? We all know I need a show..
Where did u come from?
Where am I going?
Where are my True Friends? is ur hand raised?
Where are u when I feel alone?
Where have u been all these years?
Where do u find these people at??
Where do u get off asking me to marry you? gurl bye...

WHEN:
When will I not care/worry?
When will I let things go?
When will change come?
When will the obvious be noticed?
When will I not procastinate?
When will I believe in myself as much as u do?
When does the honeymoon end?
When is the next trip??
When will you get smarter?
When is enough, enough?
When will Deveroes be over for me?
When will I go back to school?
When will these gurls figure out that no real nigga wants a hot ass gurl?
When will they see that unflattering, drunk pix are usually remembered more than the regular ones??
When do I turn my swag off, so that I can hop out the bed and turn it on??
When will u ever not let me down?
When will I stop bullshittin?

WHY:
Why do I always fall for somebody elses gurl?
Why does somebodies gurlfriend always want me?
Why am I feeling this way?
Why is there no one around?
Why are all of these RnB songs connecting to me now?
Why are u reading?
Why have you stayed in touch for so long?
Why are we sooo cool?
Why does God continue to keep blessing me?
Why do I make some of the best kool aide in life??
Why did I see this nigga yesterday, he still owe me money like a mother F, and he wanna talk it out?
Why did she look so good on saturday tho??
Why have I never fallen in love?
Why do we love love when love seems to hate us?


How do u feel?

DURL SPEAKS..

I have a deep liking..

I almost labeled this as.. " I have a crush..." but that at me.. Im too old for that... but I have a DEEEPP LIKING for Jill Scott..


If this was my chick.. she would get some tired of me sayin.. "baby.. sing this for me..." I would be giving her random things to sing.. like a Donatos menu and be like.. "Baby... sing me the toppins they got on the mariachi beef pizza... and what drinks they got too.." Man I love her.. So I got a new love for Go-Go music now right? So i been on the hunt for the past week or so of all the go-go music i can find to engulf myself with it.. And i found a song that I already liked by her with Go-Go in it...



...so is she singing about me??

Missing...

Man.. just made this good ass mix (at least I think so.. http://urgurlsfavoritedj.podomatic.com/) with some good ass RnB.. some good ass songs that will get u in that good mood to call someone up for some conversation or some company..

Well, it kinda got me there too.. as much as I dont allow myself to get there.. it almost did.. I aint the type to lead people, so I aint bout to act like I like someone, or make myself like someone just bc no one is around me now..

No, im not LONELY, i would never say that.. even if i was lonely, I still wouldnt say it.. but im not tho... honestly but sometimes the emotions feel like they are missing some times..

Like today I was watching Keri Hilsons lil video for "Make Love" and I thought it was well shot.. the video shows emotions and anticipation. I remember the days where I would be at work, aticipating the hour for me to leave.. to go see who ever it was that was textin me all day and thinking about me when I aint around..

but nowadays, attachments are nonexistant.. I dont look forward to seein no one. I dont really look forward to hearin from no one.. theres no consistancy in that department.. Im not trippin tho..

Here's some things I miss tho:
- "I'll be there in a minute" (rather its me sayin that or them..)
- A kiss goodbye given on the forehead in the morning before I go to work
- this text "What u want me to cook for dinner?"
- Being at the club, and knowing I wont be standing by myself when the slow songs come on..
- Movie-night Sundays
- Eye contact from across ANY room..
- Inside jokes.
- Current slow songs having meaning
-"My mom invited you to have dinner with us tonight"
- "Can you come check my oil, I dont know what to look for" (sometime you wanna like a man)
- "I just came from the store and I got your favorite ________"

But with all of these things, there are so many things I DONT miss like:
-"Why are you always mixing?"
- Finding my phone in someone elses hand..
- "I know she like you, why else would she be smiling when she see you?" (people cant be nice?)
- "You got allll the bitches, you're the 'gurls favorite DJ' "
- "Where U At?", i hate it when that the first thing a gurl asks.. can I get a hello?
- Not being able to wind down by myself sometimes.. sometimes you just wanna be alone without being bothered..


The negatives outweigh the positives to me sometimes.. esp when my focus shouldnt be trying to take care of someone, it should be taking care of me.. It sounds selfish, but I still have never met a WOMAN try to help me get to the next level of whatever Im focused on if it aint her... Chavi has really been the only one who has helped... she just wasnt around long enough.. Other than her, no female has tried to get me to a better position in my job or wanted me to mix more so I could get more exposure or whatever with my music..

That being said, I gotta stay focused on me.. I didnt stay in school, so other than my job, I dont have nothing else to fall back on for support.. I gotta take care of me.. but sometimes it feels as if something is missing.. I fall into those thoughts, then I soon snap out of it... bc who is really out here on my side? No one but me..

Man, yall dont know what these blogs have done for me internally.. usually once I take the time to type all of these things out.. the emotions fade.. without blogging.. they stay bottled in.. i wish I could blog about everything like this so I could let everything out.. Im still salty that most of yall aint comment on my last blog tho.. I know I had yall puzzled and shit. Thats why I havent blogged too much lately.. cuz I wanted that last one to marinate on yall.. but yall just slept on it..

Well goodnight blog family.. leave me some comments sometimes.. let me know I aint just speakin to myself..

H.E.R.

When I see her.. I stare..
I get lost in the moment..
I forget im here.. I just know that she is there..
When she speaks to me.. I zone
I look for her in traffic
I wait for her to message me, or text my phone
She's the only one I see in a crowd
No sounds, no noise..
As quiet as its kept, my emotions scream loud..
A nigga too old for a crush...
Its more like an interest.. a liking
Why am I looking in the mirror? Wheres my brush?
Durl, You gotta shake this off..
She just a lady, so what if shes nice
My nigga, you starting to sound soft
She works, goes to school, and no BM
Shes the one to know
Brah, Dont lose your swag, U cant be OD'n
18nUp clubs, you will never find her.
She swagged on me when our path crossed
Its stuck in my head, I dont need a reminder
Exhale when Im near her, I smile when I see her
She makes these other gurls look like randoms
Trying hard to match, but they couldnt be her
Success to her, is more than wealth
She wont need you to hold her down,
You can tell by the way she carries herself

So let me explain:
When I see her, I stare, I get lost in moment is like.. when u see someone and you are just in stuck mode... you could be at work folding clothes, in the middle of a conversation and when u see that person.. its over for whatever u was doin til you get done zoning out..
When we do speak, i zone in..no one else matters during those moments.. and when she aint around, I look for her when Im driving, hoping Ill bump into her in traffic maybe, or at the mall or something..
Or sometimes I hope she might send me a message through myspace or facebook or even a message through someone.. u know like "So&so tols me to tell you that she said hi"... that would be the shit right?
Or maybe one day, Ima just get a random text from her, and she gonna be like, "What u doing this weekend?" and ima just play it cool :)
When she happens to be around, shes all I see or pay attention to
No sounds can be heard.. bc your mind and thoughts have taken over.. whatever that person in front of you is sayin, aint being heard or taken in.. u paying attention to "them".. that "one"
And Im not an emotionally expressive person, but you can see my happiness when she comes around..
Im too old for crushes.. I would just sayin that maybe I got my eye on someone, or someone has the qualities that I would look for in someone.. but why is that when I see her.. Im checkin myself, making sure everything right, my taper is together, my shoes is clean, stuff like that..
All this extra shit just aint me and I notice it, so I have my internal dialog and I tell myself to chill, shake it off, dont lose your cool.. she just a lady, like youre a man.. dont put her on no pedestal
She gets it in on a mature level, she takes classes, got her a job, and following her dreams and got plans to make it.. and she aint no ones Babymomma.. ::thumbs up::
She the type of chick that got good connect to whatever you might need, shes the one to know
With all of these qualities, I gotta see and remember that I obtain these too.. dont go in too deep or too hard.. dont OD ((Overdose... ie Go too hard))
You would never see her in these young clubs, being hot, or unladylike.. you gotta respect that..
And when I last seen her, her whole AURA just swagged on me.. to the point of remembering what she wore, and even when she just be on some regular, she still swaggin..
When I see her, I smile, its a natural reaction, and my bad days dont even matter when she comes around.. it allows me to exhale a lil bit.. You need someone who can have that affect you.. soft of like an umbrella on a rainy day..
Then when these chicks start seeing what Im seein, they try to imitate.. they might even act as they are cool, just to bite.. but REAL recognize real tho.. so imitations wont last..
Success for her would to be to reach a higher level or wherever she is.. whether its understanding, goals, or relationship with God.. how sexy is that tho?
She doesnt need a man to carry her, do for her, make her or break her.. she carries her ownself.. true meaning of independence..

So you like that way I flipped this right?? A nigga dont be getting all Poetic Justice like that on yall do I?? Well I had to do it.. I also want you to ponder on my subject too.. heres the questions that Ima leave you with:

Is this a real person??

Is this about a few females just balled into one??

Is this all made up??

Is this all one big metaphor about my love for music??

Is this my letter to someone that I secretly admire, and Ill just let them know in secret??

Is this really about me?? From a females point of view, but still in my own words????

What does H.E.R. stand for, if anything?

What U Think??

DJ DURL X The Dream X Podcast

http://urgurlsfavoritedj.podomatic.com/
Thats the link.. I dont know how to add the player just yet.. bare with me..
but go there and bookmark it.. so u can be up on things..


Man... You knew it had to be coming soon.. I had to do a DREAM mix.. thats my nigga.. I was just waitin for the 2nd cd to leak before i did it..

If youre a fan like me, you will def be feelin these songs.. I mixed up his songs that he made, was featured on or wrote.. So go ahead and listen..
Ill be makin Podcast Every week.. and they are availible for download..


...look what was made..

Real Recognize.....

Someone gave me a special spotlight.. so ima link you to it..
click here..

Aint I just so special??? haaaa.. i am aint i...

thanks Shay for the spotlight.. and for using my favorite color..
She is another blogger for u to follow..
beshaybe.com
she is a picture takin, sepia using, blog commenting, lip gloss carrying, neo soul loving, gameface wearin, poetry readin, poll making, "rockin that shit" ass female...

go see...

Short Answer...

Yup..
hhhmmmm...
ok...
busy..
ima hit you right back...
ok
ohhhh...

When it gets to this point.. Im just not feeling it..
if this is what u hear often..im prolly not feeling it right now..
My single life keep me observent... and im watching everyone most of the time..
i see cycles.. this is why i never talk to a person quickly..
this is why I usually know someone for a year before I get close to them..
I see these gurls, that have liked me.. try to talk to me.. but i move too slow for them...
everyone always has a second option.. i know this.. so I never feel as if im the only one..
So go ahead.. run fast into that relationship with dude sayin what u wanna hear..
Im never gonna be that guy.. sorry.. well im not sorry..
If im not gonna do it when...no no.. if we get together.. so why front early..
thats not me..
respect it.. or keep it movin...
Flat out..
So when I see these gurls.. go off with dudes that they dont know..
I smirk..
I keep lookin forward.. as always...
cuz i dont wait around..
u gonna have to catch up..
I see the early warning signs of the quick break up bout to come..
I feel that the text messages are bout to start comin back...
bc we both know that when they start "talking" to dude... the texts stop..
thats fine.
So when they try to come back.. they get the SHORT ANSWERs..
Its just s0 annoying..
not sayin just bc they wanna talk again, means that they want me again..
but can a nigga get some consistency...
or maybe they are being consistent... their actions are repeating..
so that is consistant.. but im cool on that...
I just think its silly.
I study people like books..
if theres something that u do that I dont like.. i make sure i never do it..
Thats why i dont just text people when Im bored..
I try to consistantly stay in touch with the few people that I want around..
It kinda sux when u get a text from someone, and u know its just bc they went through their phone list...
Spare me...
I'd rather u not...
::exhales::
its almost summer time.. so all these lonely ass chicks are coming out..
they are freshly single and tryna mingle..
bc please believe.. these niggas is breakin up with they chix left and right..
Petty arguments are necessities for this season..
So i gotta be the "fall boy"?
::shakes head::
Before I get any deeper, more upset or any more specific..
ima end this...


This was my face while typin this..
u cant tell??

The One That Got AWAY..

So my friend Erin.. I love her to death.. she tried to put me on blast on her facebook status and on her blog..
it was in a nice way tho.. but like I told her, no one I know knows her.. so shit.. why not put her on blast where she put me on blast...

This is her.. i would tell you our story.. but i think she could tell you better..
if youre interested.. follow this link.. and learn a little about my past..

Learn something??
Good..

Well here is another one.. partially about you..
i can only say so much about me.. people are usually defined but perception.. so this will show u a lil bit about how people feel or have felt about me..
so this is one from Chavi.. we have had our ups and downs.. and im glad our downs have came back up...


so she how she has felt.. click here

If anyone else blogged about me.. i wouldve put them on here too.. but i havent noticed any other one...

but these 2 ladies have their own blogs.. follow them..
you know if i follow them, they gotta be interesting...

My Dilemma

::that word just looks wrong everytime i spell it:: anyways..

here one of my minor dilemmas...

So im in a new city.. well i guess it aint new no more after a year and a half right? well i get asked often:

So who are u talkin to these days?

My answer is: No One..

They then ask: why? not or that make the "whatever nigga" face... you know the face people make when they put their lips to the side..

My answer be that all I see is hood star's (star is rats backwards) or gurls thats too boogi (sp*) or they like light skinned dudes.. so im outta luck..

so they ask me where do i be at.. my answer is that im always at work.. I really wouldnt date a chick thats a regular Deveroes shopper.. thats really not a chick for me.. we dont even have enuff gurls stuff for a chick to be a regular shopper unless she got a lil kid.. or a nigga..

then when i go out.. its usually to the Lobby.. them old chicks be cool.. but im cool on they drunk asses.. I only go there bc i aint gotta dress up.. I dont be feeling like goin through the whole "finding something that will keep me from being stopped at the door" thing.. so I like to good comfortable..


This is what I call comfortable.. air maxes.. jordans, a hat whatever..

Then if i do happen to go to the places where I gotta dress up, then these chicks are acting too stuck up just because they gotta damn dress on.. thats fine.. do u boo.. im just cool on that extra-ness..

Where do u find a real ass person?? I mean, Im at work all the time.. a relationship with someone I work with wouldnt work.. esp with me being the boss..
When would someone recognize the realness in someone? Why is it that gurls recognize the good in me after I stop messing with them? Why is it that I see the same chicks messing with the same weak niggas? They never seem to look for something for the long run.. they look at the appearance and think that will be enough to keep them happy...
I dont understand why gurls havent smarten up.. even my smartest female friends be on some dumb shit every now and then... every last one of them.. I see it. I dont really say much about it to them any more.. i mean we all know.. no need for me to say "I told you so"

I aint gonna act like Im the solution to every womans man problems but I do know that I will be one special lady's solution tho.. who that is.. i dont know.. God knows.. and I hope she reads my blog.. or at least will read it later in life so she will know more about me than previous chicks..

Im just about ready tho.. I got a few more things to do.. but im almost there.. when I do find that one.. all ima hear in my head is Frankie Beverly & Maze - Happy Feeling and ima do my Happy Dance..


haaaaa....

Kill The DJ

Now every DJ has his complaints given to him when he makes his drops
(drops are when a DJ says his name of nickname on a mix cd in the middle of a song)
and there aint nothin worse than bein in a good groove on one of your favorite RnB mixes and the dammit DJ yells and screams over your favorite part and fucks up the whole mood.. he some examples

Mood Muzak from jeff on Vimeo.

Now if you got some DJ DURL mixes.. I aint that bad.. youll hear me or a female voice say my name but ill be damned if i make all the noises that DJ AIRHORN made...
shit..
thatll make me throw a mix cd away..
But i thought it was funny and it hit home due to complaints that I get..

My Sunday Playlist..

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My Top 10 Favorite Songs of ALL TIME

This was a note that my nigga put up on facebook.. and i had to post mine..
but i have to always tell stories behind my choices.. its always some type of memory or something connected.. I dont have more favorites but these came to my head the quickest..

If you know me know me.. you will know prolly 3 off the bat..

here it goes..

1. Notorious BIG - One More Chance
I mean damn.. this song is the shit.. its classic, raw, funny and witty.. its some real nigga shit.. go a good ass beat.. you can hear this any night, at any bar, and you will see everyone start groovin... ((did i just say "groovin"?.. im soo old now))

2. Jay Z - Song Cry
This song is the ultimate shit.. whenever this is played.. all of the guys know it word for word.. every dude can relate.. every female can relate to treating a guy good and them dogging them and then becoming the "bad gurl" and i had a situation that was like verse 3.. in my player days, i was messing with this chick.. and i had other gurls on the side.. but they were gurls she didnt know.. but she turned around and started messing with a dude that i grew up.. "You dont get a nigga back like that".. the sample and the verses are pure poetry..

3 Alexander O'Neal - If you Were Here Tonight
This is one of my all time favorite slow jams.. yes.. i said "jams" with my old ass.. this shit si so smooth..ive already analyzed it in a previous blog.. go read..

4. Art of Noise - Moment of Love
This beat is crazy.. flat out.. whenever someone samples it, its usually a hit (ie Lloyd - One for Me). I used to her this on the Quiet Fire on U92 and be AMPED.. do u hear me?? this is everyones song..

5. Mista - Black Berry Mollasses
Classic song that just brings me back to my carefree early teen years.. when me and my cousin used to just be outside all day.. finding whatever to get into.. this was one of those FLY CITY songs.. this was my SHITTTTT

Check out Bobby V with the old Rodmans on that u had to tie up from the sides..

6. Brandy - Broken Hearted
I had Brandy's first TAPE.. not cd.. tape nigga.. and this song was on repeat.. I loved brandy.. I had a stupid crush on her "Deer-eyed" lookin ass.. and this song got me everytime.. i used to lay on the ground in my room on my stomach and just play this over and over.. and sing..

7. Prince - Lets Go Crazy
This was a strong toss up between this song and Purple Rain.. both are GREAT.. but this one will get me CRUNKKK.. so i had to choose this.. I love this because of its spiritual double meaning.. if you didnt know.. "de-elevator" is the devil and the "Top Floor" is Heaven.. he speaks on how u can like the devil bring you down in your search for your higher level.. i love it.. here a video of him performing this at the famous 1st avenue



8. The Deele - 2 Occasions

Man.. this song is the biggest game u could lay on someone.. this is such a nice song.. great beat and the voices are the shit on here too.. i had to post this video to show u how throwback these niggas were.. LA Reid was so serious on those drum.. Babyface had so much swag.. them other two dudes.. no words for them.. except for, does dude have a broach on?


9. Kanye & Nas - We Major
The beat.. the collab.. the lyrics, and the timing.. were perfect

10. Jason Weaver - Love Ambition
My ULTIMATE shit.. my nigga was singing.. and what did he know about "Up and Down, Baby" at that age.. i wasnt allowed to sing that when it came out.. this still my shit.. if you have my mixes.. you would know..